


Saudade

by ValkyrieNine



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternating Point of View, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Complete, Completed, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Finished, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Heartache, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Meant To Be, OTP Feels, POV Alternating, Sad with a Happy Ending, SuperCorp is endgame, Supercorptober2019, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 15:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNine/pseuds/ValkyrieNine
Summary: During an epic battle, Kara is kidnapped and whisked away to another universe by M1dn1ght. Lena  finally admits to herself that her love for Kara extends far beyond friendship. She pines for Kara for 398 days, praying the superhero will return so she can confess her love. Lena’s whole world is turned upside down when Kara returns, accompanied by a stunningly beautiful girlfriend named Emma. Lena is plunged head-first into a sea of longing, pain and unrequited love.





	1. Hollow

**Author's Note:**

> This angst is going to feel super intense but I promise to always give our girls the happy ending they deserve. It will be worth the pain. 😁 Supercorp is and always will be ENDGAME.

What is _Saudade_?

_Saudade_ is a Portuguese word, but it is so much more. _Saudade_ is a deep emotional state of melancholy, a profound and unbearable longing for someone who is lost, missing, unattainable or dead. A love unrequited. A love lost, never to be returned. A pervasive and crushing hopelessness that presses in on your chest and steals your life force away like a thief in the night.

_Saudade_ describes a longing for someone you love more than anyone or anything else in existence. _Saudade_ describes the agony and hopelessness that accompanies the fear that the object of one’s love will never return to their arms.

Saudade is where I live. It is where I have lived for exactly 398 days.

What happened 398 days ago? Kara was taken by M1dn1ght. 398 days, 21 hours and 23 minutes have passed, to be exact.

Each day, starting with day one was worse than the one before it. Kara and I were in a strange place. I was hurt. No, that word doesn’t accurately describe what I was feeling. My heart was cut out and smashed into a million pieces. I was angry. I was filled with a mix of love, confusion and pain. I pushed her away. I pushed her away, never imagining I would lose her. I was a fool.

How can I describe my heartbreak? How can I describe the excruciating pain, the endless longing, the sleepless nights? There are no words. Maybe just one..._Saudade_.

***

https://open.spotify.com/track/4pfcHOvZAf9f3dYMPcdfQc?si=-3MFPDDSSnyStHLMYsJ4Ng

I received the call on a Monday. I hate Mondays. It was day 399. Kara was miraculously transported back to the DEO alongside her stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Emma. The call from Alex came early. I was heading out the door on my way to L-Corp when the sound of my ringtone broke my morning reverie.

From the moment Kara was taken, I’ve had to find a way to cope. I’ve had to find a way to pull myself together and stop sobbing at regular intervals. All of the what if’s whirled around in my mind for almost a year. What if I had forgiven Kara sooner? What if I had confessed my growing feelings to her? What if I had kissed her at game night instead of storming off and talking to Hope like a crazy person? What if Kara loved me?”

When I arrived at the DEO, Kara was surrounded by everyone in her life that matters. Alex, Eliza, Clark, Lois, J’onn, Winn and Brainy stood in front of her. A few DEO agents stood behind them, dashing my hopes of sneaking a peek at her before she saw me. I moved forward slowly. My heart raced and my body froze, atrophy set in hard and I was unable to move or speak. I had waited for so long to see her again. I had waited for so long to tell her how I felt, to tell her that I never wanted to let her go. Yes, I’m constantly battling the lingering Luthor evil inside me. Yes, I can build walls with the best of them, but I wanted her. I wanted to know her. I wanted to hold her close to me and never let her go.

Without intending to cause me pain, Alex had neglected to mention that Kara wasn’t alone. The funny thing is that if there was one silver lining to this whole mess, it was my relationship with Alex. When Kara was taken, we had to lean on each other. We had no one else. There was no one else in the great expanse of the infinite number of universes who could understand my loss as much as Alex did. It took months but I finally confessed to Alex how I felt. So why didn’t she warn me? She’s a chicken shit but I suppose I would have been the same way. I doubt I would have been able to tell Alex that the love of her life had landed on my front porch with a girlfriend just as perfect as she was.

When the DEO agents returned to their posts, I caught a glimpse. A fleeting glimpse of my hero. My beautiful sweet hero who had always been there, always loved me, never asked for a single thing. I saw her eyes and imagined staring into them for hours, sharing the same pillow. I saw her beautiful smile. I imagined running my hand softly over her cheek and pressing my lips to hers. I closed my eyes and imagined that she longed for me as much as I longed for her. I prayed that Kara had pined for me the way I pined for her. I was wrong. So wrong.

I ran to her. I ran to her as hard as my body would carry me. I flew into the medical bay and everyone in the room moved back. There they were. Kara and her new love. Kara and Emma.

Kara looked up at me and tears welled up in my eyes. I could already see she was different. My whole body betrayed me. I shook uncontrollably and my face and body contorted in agony. I fell to my knees. No Luthor ever fell to their knees. I did. I was broken. I was broken and suddenly I was lost. Nothing made sense. It was as though she had reached in and grabbed my heart tight. She squeezed and squeezed and no matter how hard I tried to pull away, I couldn’t.

Kara moved closer to me.

_Who is she? Who is that stunningly beautiful creature next to you? She matters. She’s here, so she matters._

I don’t know why but I pulled away. Maybe it was confusion or maybe it was just a sense of loss, crushing me. Alex moved to my side and wrapped her arms around me. Kara looked down at the two of us and she seemed shaken to her core.

“Lena?”, Kara whispered softly. “Are you okay?”

I couldn’t speak. I sat there, cradled in Alex’s arms trying to figure out how this woman had enveloped every part of me.

“She’s fine Kar. She’s just in shock. You’ve been gone a long time.”

Kara took a step forward and I pulled back once more.

“Lena? Please”, Kara reached out a hand. “Let me help you up.”

Kara didn’t understand and why should she? Had I ever truly been honest with her about my feelings? No. Had I ever been kind enough to tell her that she was all that mattered to me? Had I told her that my feelings for her terrified me? Had I ever taken the time to let her know that each moment in the day when I freeze, when I day dream, I am thinking of her? No. This wasn’t Kara’s fault. Kara, her heart pure and sweet. Kara, the most perfect, soft loving person I have ever met.

“I’m sorry Kara”, I whispered back through my tears. “It’s just...I never thought I would see you again.”

Kara didn’t move towards me. She stood back. She reached a hand out behind her and Emma joined her at her side, their fingers intertwined.

_Agony. Soul-crushing agony._

“Lena, this is Emma. Emma, this is my friend Lena Luthor.”

_Friend? She always says best friend. Has she replaced me? Have her feelings cooled this much? Something about Kara feels different. She feels cold and distant. That sparkle in her eyes is gone. She isn’t giving me that smile, that sweet smile that I fell in love with. Is it gone?_

Emma smiled sweetly, not a hint of judgement or confusion in her eyes.

_Shit. Emma is clearly a wonderful human being. Of course she is if Kara loves her._

“It’s nice to meet you Emma”, I just barely managed through my tears.

”It’s a pleasure to meet you Lena. Kara has told me so much about you”, Emma extended a hand towards me. 

I took her hand and shook it. It was soft and warm and I couldn’t help but shutter at the image of that hand caressing my Kara’s cheek. 

I gritted my teeth and tried to smile but more tears rolled slowly down my cheeks. My contorted face fooled no one. There was no pretending. I was sick with the loss of my love.

Alex squeezed me tighter and kissed my head. Kara looked perplexed. I suppose our closeness would seem strange considering how she left us. We began as two people who loved Kara and now, Alex was my only tether. She was the only thing keeping me from collapsing to the floor and staying there until my body failed from malnutrition and dehydration.

“Come on Leen. Let’s go get you some air”. Alex picked me up and supported me. We walked out towards the balcony, leaving the inhabitants of the DEO medical bay to wonder what had broken the unshakeable, unbreakable Lena Luthor.

_Saudade_, it seemed, was still there and now I knew it might never go away.

***

“You’re pissed, I get it”, Alex said pulling me close.

“I’m not pissed Alex. I’m...I’m lost. I have spent every moment of every day for over a year picturing our reunion. I fooled myself into thinking that she would still love me. I was an idiot Alex. I thought she missed me as much as I missed her. I wandered the streets of National City hoping and praying that we would be reunited and she would tell me how much she loves me. Instead, she returned and all I feel is cold. She never felt anything or maybe her feelings cooled. Maybe she convinced herself I wasn’t worth waiting for. I’m such a fool.”

I buried my face in my hands and Alex wrapped her arms around me once more.

“Come on. Let’s go back to my place. Kelly is in Metropolis with James. We can just sit and talk. I don’t know how you’re not angry. If I were you I would be angry.”

“I could never be angry with her, not for this. How could I be angry with her for finding love? How could I be angry at her for being happy? All I have ever wanted was for her is to be happy. She moved on. She moved on and I feel like I’ve been standing still and holding my breath. If I’m angry at anyone, it’s myself. Part of me wishes she had never walked into my office. I was fine before she walked into my life. I was fine before she pulled me in and wrapped me in safety and warmth. I was cold, I was a rock. Now look at me Alex. I’m a mess who falls onto the floor weeping like some lovesick school girl.”

Alex reached up and moved my hands away from my face. She wiped away my tears and gave me a sad smile.

“I don’t know what Kara has been through but I have never doubted for one split second that she felt something for you Lena. Kara always loved you. She will always love you.”

“Her eyes. The love in her eyes is gone Alex. I feel so cold.”

I sobbed uncontrollably.

“Come on Leen. Let’s get you away from here.”

“I can’t run away Alex. She will know how bad I’m hurting. I have to smile and pretend everything is okay. I have to find a way to not hate myself for losing the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I have to stand there and watch Kara, my Kara love someone more than me. Oh God Alex. I can’t. I can’t do it. I hate this emptiness.”

I buried my face in my hands again and choked on my tears. I completely let go, enveloped by my loss. Sure, I felt like a fool when I found out Kara was Supergirl but now, now I felt like a fool because I lost Supergirl. I lost my hero and I knew in my heart I would never get her back.

”You don’t have to do this Lena. Just go. We can just go and get you out of here”, Alex rubbed my back and spoke in a comforting whisper.

”I’m fine”, I said wiping the tears away from my cheeks. “I can’t let them see how much this is breaking my heart. I need to smile and pretend everything is okay. It’s what we Luthors do. We push all of our feelings down until we don’t feel at all. Lillian did it when my father died. She did it when Lex was arrested. I did it when I killed Lex. I will just push it down.”

”Lena, you’ve changed. Kara has changed you. You can’t just push your feelings down. You have to let yourself feel or you will slip back into the darkness.”

”My only tether to the light, my only anchor to the good inside my heart is gone. She found someone new. She only has eyes for her and my heart feels hollow. Pretending is all I have left Alex. I will smile and pretend that I’m not dying inside. I will congratulate them and support them because that is what I need to do.”

”None of this seems fair”, Alex looked heartbroken. 

“Life isn’t fair Alex. Sometimes life just isn’t fair but Kara is and always has been the best person I have ever met. I want her to be happy. She deserves every bit of happiness she can get. I’ll be fine.”

Of course I lied to Alex. There was no fine if Kara felt nothing for me. There was no joy for me if Kara couldn’t look at me and smile the way she used to. 

_Saudade_ was my home now.


	2. The Way I Do

**https://open.spotify.com/track/4HXmYG1IR5xduvxTnr7fAp?si=RkqgUxplRqSPIw_JMItasA**

I awoke with a start. That nightmare, that same damn nightmare plagued me all night. I awoke to soaking wet sheets, my skin covered in a thin layer of cool sweat. My body shook violently, as it did every morning Kara was missing. She was home now. Why was I still having the same horrible nightmare? She was home but she wasn’t mine. She was home, but she loved another.

The locations changed constantly but the outcome was always the same. I confess my love to Kara and she laughs mercilessly. I tell her that she has stolen my heart and she just cackles and tells me she could never love someone as evil as I am. She tells me that she deserves better and I nod my head in agreement. M1dn1ght grabs her and they disappear. The same damn nightmare for 399 nights. My brain should be examined. If only the good things in my life were that consistent.

My heart was heavy as it always was when I awoke but now I had the new joy of picturing the love of my life happily awaking next to her beautiful and charming girlfriend Emma. I tried not to picture their heads resting on the same pillow. I tried desperately to remove the image of their intertwined hands or the sweet smile Kara gave to Emma at regular intervals.

I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hate her so bad but how could I? I was complicit in my own heartbreak and I knew it. I was angry and I said things to Kara I shouldn’t have said. She knew I was angry so she gave up on me.

When Alex and I returned to the medical bay yesterday, Kara and Emma were explaining what happened to Kara while she was gone.

“M1dn1ght held onto me and transported me to three worlds. I was able to grab her and hold on when she tried to get away from me. The last world I was taken to seemed abandoned. It was lifeless, without a yellow sun. My hopes were bleak. I had no powers at all and it seemed like I would die on the barren planet alone and lost forever. I wandered around, already weakened from my fight with M1dn1ght when I found an oasis. I stumbled upon a small group of humans who survived a terrible interplanetary war on their version of Earth. Emma’s mother was the group’s matriarch and leader. They were so kind and welcoming. They had every reason to be suspicious but they welcomed me with open arms. The way I came to the planet seemed absurd, even to me but they cared for me helped me survive”, Kara reached out a soft hand and interlaced her fingers with Emma’s.

_Kill me._

Emma looked over at Kara, her hazel eyes bright and full of love. Her tawny blonde hair looked like spun silk and shined beautifully in the harsh fluorescent light.

“Kara came into our camp and helped us so much. Even without her powers, she was so strong and capable. She made such a huge impact on our community and everyone fell madly in love with her.”

“Some more than others”, Clark said with a wink.

_GOD I HATE THIS._

“I counted the days at first. The camp had little technology I could use to try and communicate or find a way home. I returned to the spot where M1dn1ght abandoned me hoping she might return. I did this every day and night for almost eight months.”

Alex stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her sister from behind. She closed her eyes and held on tight.

“What changed at the eight month mark?”, Alex asked.

“Emma’s mother died”, Kara said pulling Emma’s hand closer.

Emma’s face dropped and her eyes welled up with tears.

“The community was hurting and I had to help them. It was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to find a way home on my own and I had no idea if anyone on this side even knew where I was. I decided to give up hoping and praying and start living.”

Emma leaned her head against Kara’s shoulder and smiled.

“Losing my mother was the worst pain I have ever experienced but the one blessing from the pain, the one sliver of light in the darkness, was my Kara.”

_My Kara? She was my Kara. Now she’s your Kara. Alex was right. I should have left. This is unbearable._

Kara shifted in her seat uncomfortably and avoided my gaze. She didn’t move away from me physically but I could feel her coldness towards me. I felt like I would never feel warm again.

J’onn stepped forward.

“How did you get home?”, J’onn inquired with his most disarming smile.

“It was a miracle. A time traveler made a miscalculation and moved through universes and not time. We worked together and we were able to open a portal using his time machine. Emma didn’t want to leave her community but we couldn’t take everyone from her world. They decided she would come with me and I would see if our resident geniuses here could help us bring the rest of her people to this world. Their existence is bleak and dangerous. They need help.”

Kara looked over at me and smiled. Her eyes were soft and warm but it still wasn’t her usual loving smile. That seemed to have been transported away the moment M1dn1ght took her.

“Will you help us Lena?”, Kara pleaded in almost a whisper.

I froze. What could I say? Could I refuse her impassioned plea? Alex looked over at me and I could hear everything she was thinking. Alex felt sorry for me.

“I will help where I can but we have been actively searching for you for 398 days. I don’t know if I’m going to help much. Eliza and Alex are the real geniuses.”

Eliza moved to my side and wrapped her arms around me. She gave me a sad smile. I never confessed my feelings for Kara to Eliza but her eyes were knowing and seemed to share in my sadness. She squeezed me tight and looked at Kara.

“Lena searched for you every minute of every day Kara. She didn’t eat or sleep without our constant prodding. She sat and studied charts and ran simulation after simulation until her fingers bled and her hands could barely move. She tapped every L-Corp resource she could and she worked alongside Alex tirelessly trying to bring you home.”

It was strange but Eliza’s tone almost sounded like she was disappointed in Kara.

“When did you stop looking?”, Kara asked me directly.

Your eyes are so beautiful, I could weep.

“I never stopped”, I whispered softly.

“She was in the lab for seventy-two hours before you landed at the DEO. Mom and I had to force her to go home and get some sleep. She never gave up on you Kar.”

_Thanks Alex. I don’t know what I would do without you. _

“I’m just glad you and Emma made it here safe and sound”, I said with sad eyes and a forced smile.

Emma’s name stuck in my throat like thorns. Kara gave me a sad smile. I would have appreciated the eye contact but she also pulled Emma closer and that stabbed at my heart viciously.

“We are too. Thank you for never giving up on me Lena. You’re a good friend.”

_Ouch._

It wasn’t that her words seemed disingenuous. She meant what she said but the whole room seemed surprised by the robotic coolness of her voice. Everyone in the room had seen Kara fight the villainy of National City to protect me. Everyone present had witnessed Kara sacrificing everything to keep me safe. To hear the words spoken so cooly seemed to come as a great shock to everyone. That was my cue to leave. I could barely tolerate watching Kara and Emma holding each other close. I could barely handle the agonizing grief that plagued me when I realized Kara had committed to love this woman through time and space. What I couldn’t bare were the looks of sympathy coming from everyone else in the room. No one feels sorry for me. I’m a goddamn Luthor.

I looked over at Alex and gave her a small nod.

“Kar, I’m going to take Lena home and I’ll come back later tonight. You are both medically cleared.”

“This is a weird question but I don’t suppose my apartment...”, Kara started to say.

“Mom and I were going to let it go after a few months. We both thought it was silly to hold onto it and pay the rent if you weren’t living there. We figured we would find you another place when you returned.”

Kara’s face dropped. She was clearly disappointed.

Eliza grabbed onto me so tight it hurt. Had Alex told her? Suddenly, I felt very foolish.

“We were but Lena insisted that we keep it. She has been paying the rent since you were taken. She even hired a service to dust and keep it up so it would be ready for your return.”

“Good friend indeed”, Clark flashed me his signature smile.

Kara lifted her eyes to mine and beamed. It was my smile. It was the smile meant only for me. Her eyes sparkled with the same intensity and love they always had. My heart warmed over and suddenly I felt like I was going to weep.

“Lena”, Kara started to say.

I pulled away from Eliza and turned around quickly. Eliza placed a hand on my back and shot me a look of motherly concern.

“I’m glad you’re home safe and sound Kara. The key is hidden where you left it. Emma it was lovely to meet you. I’m feeing a little under the weather so I’m going to go. You should all celebrate. Alex, I’ll be fine. Stay with Kara”, I just barely managed to say before the tears began to pool in my eyes. I knew I couldn’t hold my body or my voice steady for a moment longer. I made my way out of the medical bay and exited the DEO without another look back. 


	3. Gun In My Hand

I passed out on the couch after finishing off a disgustingly cheap bottle of Canadian whisky. Happy occasions called for an expensive slow-sip single malt. This occasion called for something akin to rubbing alcohol or unleaded gasoline. I needed to numb my broken heart but the answer wasn’t at the bottom of a bottle. Just sleep. Just fitful, painful sleep.

I awoke to the sound of a loud banging. I had a visitor. My head swam and my stomach flipped in nauseating circles. I managed to stand up and navigate the treacherous expanse between my pristine white couch and the front door. I almost fell on my ass twice. Today was not my day. I pressed my face to the cool door, centering my right eye over the peephole. Alex stood in the hall, grocery bag in hand, a look of worry furrowing her brow.

I opened the door. Even the sound of the doorknob turning pierced my ears painfully. I guess I failed to lock the door behind me when I came in. I never neglected the lock. Luthors were paranoid by default and like it or not, I was a Luthor. Maybe that’s why Kara walked away. All I knew for sure was that I wasn’t myself.

The moment I opened the door, Alex pushed her way inside and went full-on mama bear on me.

“Are you okay? Why did you leave so quickly? I was so worried. We all were”, Alex dropped the groceries on the table and wrapped her arms around me.

I was overheated from the cheap swill I lunched on and I was on the verge of being sick, but Alex’s embrace calmed me. Pathetic as it sounds, I needed a hug. I wrapped my arms around Alex and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m fine Aly. Seriously.”

Oh yeah. I called Alex “Aly” now. Like I said, we got close. Frankly, I’m not sure how I would have survived the last 398, no, 399 days without Alex and Kelly. They were my rocks. When I wanted to retreat into the darkness, they were there to force me to live. We started with a dinner once a week after Kara was taken and now we were up to speaking twice and day and seeing each other almost every night for something. I told Alex and Kelly that they needed some good quality couple time but they confessed that when I wasn’t around they missed me. It felt surreal to have such a close relationship with Alex and not have Kara there.

“You look terrible Leen, come and sit down. Let me get you some water and some aspirin”, Alex grabbed my arm and guided me to the kitchen island.

I took a seat on one of the barstools and prayed for a quick death. I knew the hangover was going to be epic. Alex moved around my kitchen expertly. She and Kelly had started coming over to my place since they were renovating their apartment. After a few weeks, they knew my apartment as well as they knew their own.

Alex poured me a tall glass of ice water and grabbed some aspirin off the counter. She pushed them towards me and moved quickly to my side. She placed a bracing hand on my back and kissed the top of my head.

“This is shit”, she said shaking her head.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was a sad chuckle but she wasn’t wrong. This was most definitely shit.

“So, how are you feeling?”, Alex asked with genuine concern.

“Why aren’t you with Kara?”

“She and um...she headed to her apartment. She needs to get some rest so I told her I would connect with her tomorrow. Mom is headed over there to make sure they have groceries and stuff.”

“Aly, you can say her name. I have to get used to it.”

“Okay, Kara and Emma are headed to her apartment.”

“Fuck. Never mind. Forget what I said. Don’t say her name.”

I buried my face in my hands. I expected to weep but felt a sickness rise in my stomach instead. I turned quickly on the barstool and made my way towards the bathroom.

The answer was definitely not at the bottom of a bottle. Only sickness resided there. I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and let go. Alex came up behind me as I flushed the sickness away. She caressed my head like a worried mother and handed me the glass of water she poured for me before. I rinsed my mouth and handed the glass back to her. I pulled a fifty dollar Egyptian cotton hand towel down from the rack and wiped my mouth unceremoniously. I tossed the towel down to the ground and laid down on the cool tile. Alex sat down next to me and ran a soothing hand over my head.

“You’re a fucking mess Lena.”

I laughed. Not a fake laugh. Not a stifled laugh. I mean a full on belly laugh. Maybe it was the absurdity of it all or maybe I was still a little drunk but Alex was right. I was a total fucking mess.

“You’re not kidding”, I laughed in spite of my splitting head.

Alex pulled me closer and held on tight. We sat there, huddled together on my bathroom floor laughing, a heaping pile of fucking mess.

***

Alex tossed a throw over my legs and handed me a soothing cup of tea. We passed a few hours laying there on the bathroom floor marveling at the shittiness of it all. Now Alex was moving around my apartment, caring for me like no one had ever taken care of me before.

She sat down next to me on the couch and let out a deep sigh.

“The soup is on simmer and I have some good bread that should help settle your stomach fully.”

I grabbed Alex’s hand and held it. Alex moved closer and wrapped an arm around me. She pulled me in tight and rested her head against mine.

“Thanks Aly. Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Did you tell your mother about Kara. I mean did you tell her how I feel about Kara?”

“Nope. You asked me not to say a word to anyone.”

“She was acting like she knew today. She almost seemed irked to see Kara with Emma and we know it’s not because she’s a woman.”

Alex moved her hand to my shoulder and rubbed it. I was never an affectionate person before I met the Danvers sisters. Growing up a Luthor, we were trained to keep our emotions and our bodies at a distance. It took me some time to become accustomed to the affection Kara and Alex shared. Now, I would be lost without it. I spent countless nights pressed between Kelly and Alex, wrapped together like a little family and I treasured those moments so much. Without them, I felt cold. I felt lost.

“Mom is an empath. She stands back and watches people. It’s no great secret how much you care about Kara. Maybe not everyone knows how madly in love with her you are but they can all sense that she means the world to you. When Kara said you were a good friend today, everyone felt the distance between you. Well, everyone except Clark but he can be a little dense sometimes. He is a beautiful and kind man but he needed Lois to set him straight.”

“Jesus. Does everyone know? I feel fucking pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic Leen. You’re in love. You’re heartbroken. You’re lost but you are most definitely not pathetic.”

“Really? I just went fetal on my bathroom floor. I’m pathetic.”

“You know she loves you, right?”

“No Alex. I think that’s what hurts so much. She acted like she didn’t even know me. She was so cold and so distant. I don’t know exactly what I expected but it wasn’t a cold hardened Kara. That’s a lie. I know what I wanted to happen. I expected a sweet smile, bright eyes and a warm embrace because that is my Kara. I don’t know who this woman is. She scares me.”

“She was probably trying to protect Em...I mean...you know who.”

“I know. I know she has to consider her feelings first. Aly, I just need to shut this all off. I need to go somewhere dark and forget all of this happened. I would rather go back to day one after Kara was kidnapped. At least then I had hope. I had a glimmer of hope that I would see her again one day and she would wrap her arms me and never let go. I would confess my love; hopefully she would confess similar feelings and we could be happy. We didn’t even hug. We always hug. Always.”

“I know. It all felt wrong to me too. If it makes you feel any better, she was weird with all of us. Well, different. I think her time away in the other universe may have hardened her a little. All of that bright-eyed hopefulness we loved about Kara was missing. She was quiet and thoughtful. That’s our thing. She’s the bubbles. We’re the liquid.”

“I feel empty Alex. So empty. This oppressive darkness is just sitting on my chest like an anvil. I feel like I can’t take a deep breath. I feel like peace is something I may never feel again.”

Alex pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

“Stop it.”

I was a little taken aback. Alex was usually so sensitive and kind.

“Huh?”, I asked completely confused.

“Stop giving up. You’re Lena freaking Luthor. You stopped the Daxamite invasion, you saved my life, you have fought alongside us during our darkest times. So Kara has a new girlfriend. So what? Are you really going to give up? You always have an answer. Always.”

I stopped and thought for a moment. Was this something I could change? Was this a problem with a solution? Could I make Kara love me?

“Emma travelled to a different universe Aly. Somehow I don’t think they will just split up over a minor disagreement. Kara brought her here knowing what she was committing to. It was as good as marrying her.”

“Shit. You’re not wrong.”

“Way to make me feel better”, I said with a little smile.

“I’m trying but you’re too smart. You always win when we brain battle.”

“Shut up. You’re the smart one but there is no gadget or gizmo that I can create to fix this problem. Kara loving someone else is not a problem to be solved. It is a situation to survive. It is agony for me but she is happy. How can I try to change that? If she is in love with Emma, how can I want anything less for her?”

“Can we hate Emma?”, Alex asked with a little upturned grin.

“Did you see her? How could you hate her? She was so kind. Her eyes said it all. Kara wouldn’t love anyone who wasn’t pure and sweet. I can’t hate her. I can wish I was her. I can try and avoid her at all costs but no, I can’t hate her and neither can you. In effect, she is like your sister-in-law.”

“Well, you’re my sister so screw her”, Alex said grabbing me close.

***

Kelly arrived shortly after seven. She brought dinner and an overnight bag stuffed with clothes for her and Alex. They weren’t leaving me along tonight. Thank God.

I tossed and turned in my bed. I couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was the Canadian whisky slumber or maybe it was the endless barrage of thoughts, regrets and fears that pressed in on me like a trash compactor.

I got up and paced around my bedroom trying not to think of Kara, which only made me think of her more. I went to my closet and retrieved something I was deeply ashamed to admit I still had. It was one of Kara’s sweaters. She had left it here after one of our girl’s nights and I held onto it. It was soft and warm and still smelled like her, even after all of this time. I held it in my arms and pressed the soft cotton to my cheek. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Tears began to pour down my cheeks like rain. I couldn’t stop them. I began to weep uncontrollably, keenly aware I needed to stay quiet so I didn’t wake Alex and Kelly.

Suddenly, I heard a tiny knock at my partially open bedroom door.

“Leen? You awake?”

I froze. I trusted Alex more than anyone right now. She was my sister and my confidant but that didn’t stop me from feeling deeply ashamed. I tried to stifle my sobs but only whimpered loudly.

_Stupid body. Just shut up and let me hide here crying in the dark._

Alex heard the whimper and moved quickly to my side.

“What are you doing awake? What is this?”, Alex asked grabbing Kara’s sweater.

“Is this hers?”

“It is.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Nope.”

“Neither could I. This situation has me spinning. Come on, you need therapy.”

I laughed quietly.

“Therapy at three am seems highly unlikely.”

“Not my kind of therapy. Come on. Get dressed.”

Alex held the sweater in her hands.

“I’m washing this tomorrow. If you want to smell her, she’s here. You don’t need this anymore.”

“Does she hate me Alex? The way she speaks to me feels so robotic. Like every one of her words was forced out of her. Like talking to me was an obligation.”

“Of course she doesn’t hate you Leen. She just...I don’t know. She’s not the Kara that left over a year ago. She is someone new we have to get to know better.”

“I miss Kara. I miss her so much my bones ache. I miss her so much, I can’t concentrate. I wish I could just stop loving her. The entire time she was gone, I wished she would come home. Now I just wish I could make these feelings go away.”

Alex moved a hand to my cheek and gave me a sad smile. Even in the darkness, I could see my pain was her pain and I loved her for it. At the end of the day, I was to blame for the distance between us. Yes, she was kidnapped by M1dn1ght and whisked away to a different universe but it was me who let me anger get the best of me. It was me who told Kara I didn’t think we could be friends. I never imagined we would get to this point but who prepares for the absolute worst outcome. My motto has always been plan for the best but prepare for the worst. I wasn’t prepared for this.

“Get dressed and meet me in the living room in ten”, Alex smiled. “I promise this will do the trick.”

***

When we arrived at the DEO gun range, the clock said 4:38 am.

I pointed out to Alex that I was starting to feel my hangover and my head was splitting open. She just patted my shoulder and told me to put on my protective gear.

“When Sam and Ruby left, I was a fucking mess. You know after our long drunken conversations that I hit rock bottom.”

“I know. I hate that I wasn’t there for you.”

“No one knew. I kept it to myself how much I loved Sam. Don’t get me wrong, Kelly is spectacular and I love her with all my heart. I just...I just loved Sam and Ruby on a different level. I had dreams of us being a family. When Sam up and left, I felt abandoned and confused. I thought there was something between us.”

“I know Aly.”

“I came here every chance I got. Between this and beating the shit out of a punching bag in the gym, I started to feel better. I wasn’t angry at Sam. Yeah, I was hurt, but like you I couldn’t hate her for trying to distance herself from the Reign days.”

“Come on. I promise you’ll feel better. We have every kind of weapon down here. We will shoot until you feel better.”

Alex walked over to the surprisingly primitive boom box and turned on some music. I gave her a confused smile and she just shrugged her shoulders and grinned. 

“What can I say? I love a old school boom box.”

All of that advanced technology inside the DEO and Alex had a tape deck. I had to laugh. 

“Gun In My Hand”, by Dorothy played loudly. 

**https://open.spotify.com/track/52gbcP8Uumg34r2hxv24n1?si=KHPgrmv4REau17PDU5bwaA**

Alex and I both chose our weapons carefully. We stood side-by-side in two adjacent stalls. I chose a classic 357 Magnum and Alex grabbed one of the DEO’s latest rapid fire precision laser weapons.

We squared off with our targets and went nuts. We grabbed weapon after weapon and shot round after round. After a while, we looked over at each other and smiled as we reloaded. Alex was right. Picking up a weapon and concentrating solely on hitting the targets peeled away my encounter with Kara and Emma and allowed me to just relax and have fun.

Alex and I spent hours shooting every damn thing we could. When I was too exhausted to shoot anymore, Alex took me to the DEO gym. She gave me some sweats and some boxing gloves and we beat the shit out of a heavy bag until we could barely stand up.

The sun rose high above National city as Alex and I attacked the pain with our fists. We pounded away at the loss, at the heartbreak, at the unfairness of it all. I wasn’t angry at Kara or Emma. I wasn’t even angry at myself. I was angry at the universe for crafting a situation so shitty, I lost hope.

Alex and I showered and headed back to my place. I was so dead tired, I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. Sleep was finally my companion, but not peace. How could I feel peace knowing how little I mattered to Kara. She hadn’t called or reached out. I closed my eyes and prayed the nightmare would give it a rest for a night and let me have some peace. Alas, my hopes were dashed. The nightmare chased me down but this time I had a gun in my hand. The pain, the heartache, and the longing were all my enemy but now I knew I could fight to live another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my readers for your love and support. I would be nowhere without you. Huge thanks for sticking with me through the angst. You know I will never let you down. Please continue to share how you’re feeling. I’m looking for big feels here. Thank you for reading!
> 
> V9


	4. How Long Will I Love You?

Showers are good. Showers let you weep uncontrollably and no one is the wiser. Your tears mix with the water and wash away.

It was vital that I appear to be handling the situation like a sane person. Of course I wasn’t. I was a fucking mess. I mean, I never told Kara how I felt. We weren’t dating and other than friendship, there was no commitment between us. So why then did I feel so broken? So empty.

She had no obligation to me. I was the one who walked away. Yes, she found someone else to love but had I really been fair to her? Had I ever told her how I really felt? I wanted to desperately. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me but I was afraid. No one had ever affected me the way she did. No one ever understood me the way she did.

I sobbed, surrounded by a steamy cloak until I had no more tears left. My body shook and ached for a cure to this heartbreak. When I finally climbed out of the shower and wiped the mist away from the mirror, I saw a face I didn’t recognize.

I grabbed my Bluetooth speaker and turned on some music. I needed to cry again. When was this going to end?

“Sleep”, by Azure Ray came on and I let go again.

**https://open.spotify.com/track/5viL6E7yylGtpuANKZxFJm?si=yJAMcQvfTnCdqUu2uHv_mg**

“What the hell happened to me? I used to be so strong and now I feel like a shell.”

I did my best to pull myself together. To my horror, Eliza had stopped by to check on me and bring us bagels for breakfast. I knew my eyes were bloodshot red and I was deeply embarrassed that I ran away from the DEO without explaining myself.

When I walked out to the living room, Alex, Kelly and Eliza were all standing around talking. They stopped talking when I came into the room. Eliza looked at me with sympathy in her eyes like I had just suffered a terrible death in the family.

She walked over to me quickly and wrapped her arms around me tight. I can’t explain why exactly but I just let go. I began to weep so violently, I almost hyperventilated. My knees weakened and Eliza had to hold me up so I didn’t fall down to the ground. Eliza looked terrified. She wrapped her arms around me and guided me over to the couch. I sat down and immediately buried my face in my my hands and gasped for air. Eliza and Alex sat down on either side of me and rubbed my back.

“Lena, sweetheart. You need to breathe”, Eliza motioned for me to take a deep breathe in.

“I...I can’t”, I barely managed through my labored sobs.

“Leen, please calm down. Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay”, Alex looked just as terrified as Eliza did.

Neither of them had ever seen me this way. No one had. In my entire life, I never broke down quite like this. I felt like such a fool. This was a disaster of my own making. As I said before, I was complicit in my own pain. Why couldn’t I pull myself together?

It took some coaxing and some meditative exercises but I finally found a way to calm down. I felt like such a fool.

I sat on the edge of the couch trying not to look at the three women who had supported me so much. I was too embarrassed to speak.

“Are you feeling any better?”, Kelly inquired with a worried smile.

I just shook my head in agreement and averted my gaze.

Eliza wrapped her arms around me and held on. She caressed my head and spoke softly.

_I needed this. I needed to let go. I needed you to hug me. Jesus, I am so pathetic._

“I am so sorry”, I finally whispered. My mouth was dry and my body ached from sobbing so hard. “I don’t know what came over me. I just saw you and I broke down.”

Alex rubbed my shoulder and spoke softly.

“Leen, mom figured it out. She came over to check on you. You can be honest with her.”

I just shook my head, trying desperately to find a sane way to explain myself.

“It’s fine”, I said choking back more tears. It’s fine. She moved on and I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”

“No one who says “fine” that many times is actually fine”, Eliza said sadly.

“Okay, I’m not fine. My whole world feels like it is falling apart. Kara is the only person I have ever truly loved. It’s crazy I know but she is singularly the most wonderful person I have ever met and now she is with Emma. Now she loves Emma. Now she gives Emma her sweetest smiles and she looks at me with cold dead eyes like I mean nothing to her. I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all.”

Eliza pulled me in closer.

“She’s not fine either Lena”, Eliza said. “She’s been through so much. That other world wasn’t easy for her. She’s changed a lot.”

_I’m a terrible human being. Of course I should be thinking about the hell she must have gone through being away from all of us. It couldn’t have been easy being separated from everyone she loved._

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it”, Kelly moved quickly and opened the doo.

I couldn’t argue. I wasn’t in a fit state to greet guests.

Kelly stood stunned for a moment before she spoke.

“Oh! Hi Kara. Hey”, Kelly said awkwardly. “Come in”, she said looking back at Alex and shrugging.

Kara stepped inside and saw Eliza and Alex on either side of me and Kelly standing there like she was the hostess of my apartment.

“Oh...umm...hi. I didn’t realize there was a party going on”, Kara tried to diffuse the awkwardness with humor but only made it more awkward.

Eliza stood up quickly and greeted Kara with a hug and a kiss.

“Hi baby. How are you feeling? How was your first night back?”

“It was weird but nice I guess. Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt...”, Kara started to say before she looked me in the eyes.

“Are you okay Lena?”, Kara asked. “Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?”

I froze. She was talking directly to me. Emma wasn’t there and she was talking to me but she still seemed distant.

“Yeah. I’m fine”, I said trying desperately not to cry.

“Do you think we could chat for a second? Maybe out in the hall”, Kara pointed towards the front door.

“You should really eat something Leen. Maybe in a bit Kar”, Alex grabbed my hand and held it.

“I’m fine Aly. It’s fine”, I stood up and took a long breath in to steady my nerves. Alex was teaching me to do military breathing to relax myself. I needed to find a way to speak to Kara and not break down. This seemed like as good a time as any to breathe. I needed to remember to breathe.

Alex held onto my hand and looked me in the eyes. I just gave her a sad smile and nodded my head. She let go of my hand and I followed Kara into the hallway. I closed the door behind us.

“Leen and Aly? I guess I have been gone a long time”, Kara looked all around but not into my eyes.

“You were gone for exactly 398 days Kara. I counted every second.”

Kara looked at me with eyes I had never seen before. They were sad but it was deeper than that. There was real sorrow in her eyes. Her pain was palpable.

“You’re mad at me”, Kara said flatly.

I was thrown. I didn’t expect her to be so direct.

“I’m not mad at you Kara.”

“You were mad at me when I was taken. You told me you never wanted to see me again.”

“Hyperbole. I was upset with you Kara but you have always been my family. Always.”

“You were so angry. I worried that you hated me.”

“Kara, I love you. I love you with all of my heart and I always have. Losing you...I forgave you the moment you were taken. I just missed you.”

Kara stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck. She held on tight, tighter than I expected. The warmth was there. It spread across my skin and coursed through my veins like a raging fire. I closed my eyes and squeezed her with all of my might. I took in the feeling. My eyes welled up with tears but I bit my lip. I couldn’t break down again. Not in front of her. One thing hadn’t changed, her arms were my home, my solace, my joy. I could live there forever but they were no longer my arms. They were Emma’s now. I let my arms drop and Kara stepped back. I felt so cold, so empty.

She was never mine. I just had to keep telling myself that. It didn’t help but it kept me tethered to my unfortunate reality.

“Lena...why were you so upset yesterday? Why did you run away?”

I had a choice. I could tell Kara how pathetic I was. I could tell her that I’ve loved her with every fiber of my being for as long as I could remember. I could admit that I was upset because she was with Emma and my heart burned with jealous longing but what good would that do?

“I was feeling under the weather. I waited for a long time for you to return and I think I was just overwhelmed,”

The lie stuck in my throat like shards of glass. I never wanted to lie to my Kara. I need to stop saying that. She’s not my Kara. She’s Emma’s.

Kara stepped forward and reached a hand out to me.

“I guess I thought that it might have something to do with Emma”, Kara whispered softly.

_Fucking fuck fuck. Total fucking gay panic._

I froze. All of my body’s automatic responses seemed to stand still. I was shaken to my very core. No blinking, no breathing, no movement of any kind. I stood there accused and completely helpless. I felt split opened and exposed.

Suddenly, my door opened and Eliza popped her head out to check on us.

“Sorry to interrupt girls. There’s coffee and bagels if you’re hungry.”

My body, the great betrayer, finally got it’s act together and I leapt forward towards Eliza.

“I’m famished”, I made my way into my apartment without so much as another glance at Kara.

I couldn’t meet her gaze again or I would fall apart for sure. I walked into the kitchen and stood between Alex and Kelly as they plated the bagels and other breakfast items. Kara followed us in. She seemed to take in the scene, her family now surrounding me, protecting me. I felt guilty. They were her family. She deserved the homecoming party. I didn’t know what to say.

“I should get back to Emma”, Kara said avoiding my gaze.

Alex, Kelly and Eliza moved to Kara and each gave her a warm embrace. I was frozen once more. I had no idea what to do. How should I behave? Was it okay to hug her? Even after I confessed my love for her, she seemed unmoved. I didn’t exactly tell her I was in love with her but what good would that do? Did she care for me the way she once did?

I walked towards the door but stood a few feet behind all of the women I loved so dearly. I suddenly felt like a solitary ship floating on the sea. It was hard not to feel alone knowing Kara didn’t love me like I thought she did.

Kara raised her eyes to me awkwardly. She gave me a nod and made her way out of the apartment quickly.

What had I done? She came to me trying to reach out a hand and I batted it away. None of this was her fault. Not one bit. She was kidnapped, taken away from her home and her family. She was taken but I left her long before that, obsessed with my anger, I pushed her away. I abandoned her and left her wondering if I cared for her. I was the cruel one. I knew in my heart that my feelings for her grew more every day but how could she know? She had no way of knowing. I was the villain in this story.

I ran after her. I was barefoot, my hair still soaking wet from my tearful shower. I didn’t care about the cold or the roughness of the pavement under my feet. I ran as hard as I could and caught her by the hand. She turned towards me quickly, surprised by my touch.

“Is everything okay Lena?”, Kara looked worried.

It happened in an instant. My eyes filled with tears. My body shook and my breathing was sharp and labored. I threw my arms around Kara and held her tighter than I had ever held another human being.

“I’m sorry Kara. I’m sorry for the terrible way I behaved. You deserved so much more than I gave you”, I whispered softly, trying to get the words out before my sorrow consumed me.

Kara pulled me closer and buried her face in my neck. I felt her body start to shake. She was moved after all.

“I don’t know how to make this better Lena. I don’t know how to fix the awkwardness between us. I want to be like we once were.”

I had to say the words that had been plaguing my thoughts for 400 straight days. I had to say them but I couldn’t look her in the eyes. It was too painful. I squeezed her tighter and buried my face in her neck.

“I’m in love with you Kara. Madly, completely, foolishly, head-over-heels in love with you. I knew before you were taken but I was so hurt, I couldn’t possibly tell you. When I saw you with Emma yesterday, my heart broke. I know this is all my fault. I ran from you. I pushed you away because of my anger, my darkness once again an accomplice in my own sorrow. Kara, I was wrong. I was wrong to push you away and I was wrong to have greeted you so poorly. I just...I just love you so much and I lost my mind a little. I was jealous. So jealous. I am so sorry. So very sorry.”

I held my breath, waiting for Kara’s response. It seemed like it took days for her to say something. It was only seconds but my heart was heavy and I was terrified she would laugh or push me away, disgusted by my admission.

**https://open.spotify.com/track/1wyo8plJbo1BO9s8TWqZpN?si=wHpP7nAqSt-4zF6wEXlVgQ**

“I was in love with you too Lena. You have no idea how much. It seemed insane to me. No one knew. I kept the secret close to my heart but every thought I had, I thought of you. You were my heart. Why do you think I was so terrified to tell you I was Supergirl? I was so scared that you would never want to speak to me again. You made me feel whole and I was so scared to lose that feeling. I lived for you. When you pushed me away, my heart broke. I felt like our love and our friendship didn’t matter to you.”

I pulled Kara closer and wept into her shoulder. I could barely speak.

“You were all that mattered to me. Every minute of every day was yours. You enveloped me. You were always there, in every thought and every prayer. Whether I was angry or not didn’t matter. You were all I could think about. When you were taken, I felt like my life force was stolen away with you. If it hadn’t been for Alex, Kelly and your mom, I wouldn’t have survived.”

Kara didn’t say anything but she squeezed me tighter.

“When I saw you yesterday, you seemed so different, so cold. I was terrified that I didn’t matter to you anymore.”

“Of course you matter to me. Lena, you will always matter. I wish you had told me how you felt before I was taken. I wish I had been brave enough to tell you how I felt. I was just in the worst possible place emotionally when I was taken. I need you to know that I didn’t just get into a relationship with Emma right away. I missed you so much. I tried everything I could think of to get home but I didn’t have any decent technology to work with. One day, simply to protect my heart, I just had to stop. It was starting to feel hopeless and I had to begin to learn how to live my life on the other side.”

_Why are you saying all of this in the past tense? Do you love me at all or is that gone?_

“I’m so sorry M1dn1ght took you away Kara. I’m so sorry that you were stranded in a strange world without your family. I know they mean the world to you.”

“Yes, you do mean the world to me. You are my family too Lena. I was a little jealous when I saw you all gathered in there without me but I realized they are your family too. It’s going to take me some time to get used to that whole “Aly” thing though.”

We both smiled sadly.

This wasn’t the happy ending I was hoping for but I heard the words I needed to hear. I needed to know that Kara loved me, even if she couldn’t love me the way I hoped she would. She still held me close.

“Emma is lovely”, I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. I gasped for breath.

“You don’t have to do this Lena. You don’t have to like her and you don’t have to pretend you’re okay with this. Nothing about this is your fault. M1dn1ght kidnapped me. This was her fault, not yours.”

“Yes, I do have to like her Kara. Emma matters to you so she has to matter to me. I need you in my life, no matter how hard it will be to see you with someone else. The thing I missed most when you were gone was knowing about your day. Knowing the little things like Nia getting your coffee order wrong or you accidentally wearing mismatched socks. I missed saying good morning to you. I missed being the last person to say good night to you. I guess I won’t have that distinction but hopefully I can still say good night”, I sobbed hard. “Besides, Emma seemed nice from what I saw. You wouldn’t love a terrible person. I just have to get used to the fact that she is more important than I am. I guess...I...never mind.”

“No Lena. Say it. No more regrets.”

“I guess I just miss when you made me feel like the most important person in the world. I loved that so much. I loved that I mattered that much. That is what I will miss the most.”

My body shook uncontrollably. I finally said what I needed to say. I finally realized why my heart hurt so bad. I would never be the most important person to her again but at least I knew.

“I know. I miss those days too. I can’t change what happened and I am with Emma. I love her Lena. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about you. It just means that life changed around us and we had to adapt.”

“I don’t know if I can adapt to losing you Kara”, I wept violently and held onto her with my life.

“You haven’t lost me. I’m here. We just have to change the nature of our relationship. That’s why it was so awkward. I see your eyes and I don’t know how to not love you. I owe it to Emma to give her all of my love, all of my tenderness but I will always reserve part of my heart for you. She’s my queen but you will always be my Luthor.”

***

When Kara and I finally let go, our shirts were soaked with each other’s tears and our arms were sore from holding onto each other tight. My heart was still broken but at least I had confirmation that this wasn’t easy for her. I had confirmation that I mattered and I guess that was okay. Maybe I would be able to sleep. Maybe I would be able to dream of a day when I wouldn’t ache for her. Maybe I could start breathing again. Maybe later, but for now the pain was still there and I missed my hero. Good night wherever you are Kara. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the pain and for the tears. All I can say is Lena will be okay. I promise. She will find happiness. Supercorp is and always will be ENDGAME.


	5. Let You Down

“It’s a welcome home party. You know you don’t have to go. Everyone would understand if it’s too hard”, Alex said rubbing my arm.

My chest was so heavy with grief I could barely breathe. My new norm. The darkness seeped in like a bucket of black paint spilled on stark white marble. _Saudade. _She made me feel crazy. The mere thought of her made my body tense and groan under the weight of my longing. I missed her so much.

“I need to go. I’ve seen her twice and both times were so awkward. This doesn’t feel like it’s getting better.”

“You have to give it time. You know she cares about you. This is hard for both of you.”

“No Aly. It’s not. It’s hard for me because I’m an asshat. It’s hard for me because I fell in love with a thought, with a wish, with a goddamn dream. Kara owes me nothing. This isn’t hard for her because she never felt what I did. This is easy for her. She can go and be happy with Emma. She can lay wrapped in her arms every night, completely content. She hasn’t called me. She hasn’t tried to reach out. She has been home for a month and she hasn’t tried to see me once since that day she came here.”

“I don’t think it’s easy for her but maybe it is easier than it is for you. Maybe she gave up hope sooner. You never gave up on her. Does she know that you wrote to her every day?”

“No. I didn’t tell her.”

“You didn’t give her the letters?”

“What good would that do Aly? They are letters confessing my love. They are letters telling her about all of my dreams for us. They are garbage now. I should burn them.”

“You never gave up on her because you loved her that much. I’m so sorry Leen.”

“I never gave up hope because that was all I had. That’s my problem. Maybe I should have. Maybe when we were apart for a certain period of time I should have just walked away and found someone new. Maybe I should have loved someone else but I didn’t do that. I longed for her every day. I dreamt of her every night. If I was in pain, her voice was what got me through. If I was sick, it was her smile that comforted me. I looked at her picture every night dreaming that if she returned she would be happy to see me. She would run to my arms and just be happy. I was an idiot. She looks at me like a ghost. It’s like she is spooked by me.”

“What do you want to do?”

“What I’ve been doing. I want to pretend that everything is okay. I want to put on a fake smile and pretend that it doesn’t hurt. I want to fall asleep at night and not stay awake all night wondering if she is thinking about me. Clearly she isn’t. Clearly she moved on. I wish I could have moved on with her.”

“I don’t think you should go to the party.”

“Emma called me and invited me personally. She was all sunshine and happiness. I want to hate her so bad Aly but she is so sweet it makes my teeth hurt. How can you hate a person that makes a kitten look like a tough guy? I have to go. She said that she was hoping to pick my brain about finding a way to help the people back home.”

“Jesus. Tell me you’re not planning on helping her. She stole your girl.”

“Aly, she’s your sister and the sad fact is that she was never my girl. She just stole my heart.”

“She is my sister and I love her and defend her to the ends of the earth. I would die for her but I do hate this. I had dreams too. Maybe not as important as yours but I wanted you two to be together. You’re my best friend Lena. I know we got off to a rocky start but we have so much in common and I consider you more of a sister than a friend. I wanted Kara to see that our family belongs together.”

“I’m sorry.”

Alex wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. She had been doing that a lot since Kara was taken but she doubled her efforts since Kara returned.

“You have no reason to be sorry Leen. You are the one hurting here. I just mean that I love you and I don’t think this is fair either. Can’t you just whip up a Daxamite-esque bug bomb and send her back to that hell hole she’s from?”

I had to laugh. Alex was sweet. 

“Nope. She’s here to stay and judging from how hard it was for them to return to our version of Earth, Kara and Emma aren’t finding a way back to that alternate reality any time soon.”

“Kelly and I will pick you up and take you to the party.”

“I’ll be fine Aly. Really. Just go to the party and I will get there on my own.”

“If you change your mind about needing company or about attending the party, it is totally okay. You know that mom and I are especially aware of the circumstances.”

“Then you know why I have to go. It will be fine. I will make an appearance and leave. Quick in, quick out.”

***

When I said “quick in, quick out”, I may have been a bit delusional. When I arrived at Kara’s place, the apartment was packed with guests. It felt strange to stand on the outside of the door, unable to get inside easily with my key.

From the day Kara was taken, I had gone inside the apartment many times. I hired a professional cleaning service to keep the apartment up so it would be ready for Kara’s return but I also would just sit on the couch in my spot and close my eyes, daydreaming that Kara was simply in the kitchen prepping snacks for movie night or in the restroom applying a mud mask to scare me with. I would lay down on the throw pillows that smelled like her. I would lay in her bed and imagine her body spooning me from behind. It all felt like hopes and dreams. Now it was impossible and all I felt was hopeless.

When I knocked on the door, I was thankful Eliza answered it. Eliza calmed me in a way I never could have imagined before Kara was taken. Eliza had clearly recognized that Kara and I were close but I never knew she had picked up on exactly how I felt about her daughter.

“Lena!”, Eliza said throwing her arms around me cheerfully.

I did everything in my power to match her enthusiasm but it was hard. Everything about this felt wrong.

When I walked inside, I saw everyone from Kara’s life that mattered to her. Brainy and Nia, Clark and Lois, Winn and J’onn, Alex and Kelly, and of course Eliza.

They were all gathered together laughing and having a good time. At the center of the circle were Kara and Emma. Kara had her arm wrapped around Emma’s waist and they both held glasses of champagne. A pile of presents sat on the counter. I grabbed an envelope from my purse and tossed it on top of the pile.

Kara must have seen me through the bodies. She cocked her head to the side and tried to make eye contact with me. In true Luthor fashion, I avoided eye contact and moved quickly to Alex and Kelly.

Kelly wrapped her arms around my neck and held on tight.

“Hiya Lena. How are you?”

“Awesome. Living the dream”, I said with a fake smile and a clenched jaw.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”, Alex inquired.

“Of course I am”, I said turning away from the happy couple. “Everything will be fine. I will make an appearance so I don’t look like a complete fucking loser and then I will go.”

Alex stepped forward and wrapped an arm gingerly around mine.

“Shall we grab a cocktail?”

I thought about something my father once said to me. It was a sage piece of advice that I carry to this day. He told me that the Irish can never have just one drink but after one is when we start making terrible decisions. He wasn’t even Irish but he was definitely right. One drink and all things go to hell.

“None for me. I need to keep a clear head so I don’t say something stupid or trip over my jealousy.”

“I can’t watch her sober. I’m getting a drink. Come on Leen. I won’t let you get too drunk. Just have a drink or two. It will cut down on the edge”, Alex pulled on my arm.

“Fine. I want it on record that I tried to fight the desire to drink, but to be honest, I need something bad. Really bad.”

“Good. To drink and to toast my sister returning and my other sister getting her head on straight.”

***

“Well, that could have gone better”, Aly said handing me a hot steaming cup of black coffee the next morning.

“What the hell happened? I only remember bits and pieces from last night and none of them make any sense out of context. How did I get here?”, I said rubbing the back of my head. 

“Kelly and I grabbed you and took you home.”

“What did I say to Kara? I know I said something.”

Alex moved a hand to the back of her neck and rubbed it nervously.

“Well...you said a lot. All of those feelings you thought you were pushing down and smiling through exploded all over Kara. I didn’t hear it all but I guess it wasn’t pretty.”

“Shit.”

“Do you remember what you said?”

I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes.

Suddenly some of it came flooding back. I got drunk. So drunk. I was trying to self-soothe. I told Alex I never should have started drinking but she thought I should try and relax. It was bad. Kara and Emma danced to a romantic song. It threw me over the edge. Flashes. Flashes of words said. Regrettable words I never intended to say aloud. Words that filled me with shame. What was I thinking? I was too honest. I was too honest about my pain. I told her how unfair it was. I told her how much I loved her.

“What did I do? Oh my God!”

Alex pulled me in tighter and kissed my head. I don’t know what I would do without her. I felt like I was going mad.

“Leen, calm down and breathe. Listen, Kara knows what kind of stress you’re under. I didn’t hear all of the words but please don’t worry. She knows you better than anyone. She knows you were just drunk talking.”

“Not anymore. She doesn’t know me anymore”, tears started to pour down my cheeks. “I can’t do this anymore Aly. I love you but I can’t do this. I need to get away.”

“Why don’t you go to Metropolis for a little while and clear your head. Stay with Sam and Ruby.”

“Maybe. I just can’t be here.”

“What are you going to say to Kara?”

“Say? Don’t you think I’ve said enough?”

“So, you’re just going to go?”

“I doubt she wants to hear from me again. Not after the things I said. She has made it clear that I am more of an inconvenience to her than anything else. I’m a reminder of what doesn’t exist anymore. I’m just a constant reminder of the past that she doesn’t live in anymore. I promised her that I would do my best to be okay. I promised her that I would try to be normal. I promised but I let her down. I can’t believe I let her down the way I did. My jealousy and my broken heart got the best of me and I let her down so bad.”

“Leen, you didn’t let her down. You can’t help the way you feel. It was my fault you got so drunk. I just thought we could shut off your brain for a bit.”

“None of this is your fault Aly. I’m going to go away for a bit. I’ll give everyone some peace. You and Kel stay here as long as you need to while they finish your place and I’ll go try and get my head on right.”

“Do you want us to come with you? Maybe we can head to Midvale instead. We can go stay with mom.”

“I’ll be fine. You stay here and catch up with Kara. Get to know Emma. Learn how to make this all feel more normal. Maybe if you can make it feel normal for you it will feel normal for me when I return.”

“You are coming back right?”

“Of course”, I said not as sure as my words would indicate.

“I’ll be back.”

***

I went to call Sam but changed my mind. Sam and Ruby feeling sorry for me wasn’t what I needed. I needed something different.

I turned on the radio and sat down to write Kara a letter. It would be the last letter I wrote to her. I knew it in my heart.

**“Let You Down”, by NF played in the background.**

**https://open.spotify.com/track/52okn5MNA47tk87PeZJLEL?si=3nWqgIzOTo-GRXiLdeBEbg**

_Dear Kara,_

_I don’t even know if you’ll read this or if you’ll just tear it up. I can’t say I would blame you after the way I behaved at your party. I don’t remember the exact words I said but I know that I was not my best self. This is an apology Kara. This is an apology for the way I acted and the way I treated you. You deserved better._

_I need you to understand that I am not angry at you. I doubt I could ever be angry with you. I care about you too much. I am angry at the situation. When you were gone for so long, I think I went a little mad with longing. I dreamt every night of what it would be like to reunite with you and when we did, well, let’s just say it wasn’t the reunion I hoped for. I wanted you to be happy but I felt like you weren’t happy. You had moved on and as hard as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I felt more like a burden to you than a blessing. When you love someone, the worst possible feeling is to feel like you bring them more pain than joy._

_Emma is kind and I am happy that if I can’t have you, you have someone warm and loving. I won’t lie. Knowing you are with Emma, knowing she shares your bed and holds your heart makes me ache in the worst way. It fills my body with an unfamiliar jealousy that plagues my heart and brings to the surface all of the darkness that you have tried so hard to help me fight._

_Kara, I love you. I’m in love with you and I have been as far back as I can remember. I wish I could just turn it off. Trust me, I lay in bed every night praying for the strength to turn it off and move on but when I think about you, I long for you. There is no turning that off and I think you know that as well as I do._

_You were always my best friend, my confidant and I always believed my soulmate. Now you have a new soulmate and I need to find a way to be okay with that. Go and be happy. Be safe and live a wonderful beautiful life. I won’t ask you to write to me or call me because I know that’s not where your heart is._

_I remember a time when you and I couldn’t go a half a day without checking in with each other. I remember when you and I would find any excuse to show up at each other’s office or apartment. Now look at us. You haven’t called. You haven’t texted. I won’t lie. I was hurt. I was hurt because I thought we were more than that. I thought at the very least you would want to know me. We haven’t even talked about what happened to you over there. We haven’t talked about what happened to me here while you were gone. I guess maybe you didn’t care. I guess maybe that part of us, the part that cared about those things is gone._

_Kara, I need you to understand how much I love you and how truly sorry I am for all of this. This happened without your knowledge, involvement or permission. I fell in love with you and concocted a dream world where you would love me back and consider me your soulmate. That wasn’t your fault. You have pulled away from me for Emma or maybe for your own sanity. No matter what the reasoning is, I love you. I love you and that will never change._

_I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better person and I am sorry I made an ass out of myself at your party. You deserved to come home and not have the drama. I’m going to remove the drama so you and Emma can find some peace._

_Just know that if you ever do need me or want to know me, I will never turn you away but I will assume that your lack of communication has been because you are ready to move on without me and I guess I just have to be okay with that._

_God, I hope you rip this letter to shreds and throw it in the garbage can. It’s awful. My broken heart is making me sound crazy but I assure you, before I met you, before you invited me into your world, I was normal. It was falling in love with you that made me crazy. Not many women can say they drove another person mad with love and longing. That is some feat. Anyway, I really do wish you and Emma the best. I know in my heart you will be happy here, even if she can’t get home. I will be gone for a while but consider the tools and employees at L-Corp at your disposal if you and Emma need help finding a way to help her family. As always, what is mine will always be yours._

_Kara, I love you more than life itself. I love you to the moon and back. I love you and I wish you all of the happiness in the world._

_Yours Truly...no wait..._

_Truly Your_

_Lena_

I folded the letter up and placed it in an envelope. I sealed the envelope and pressed it to my lips, a few of my tears staining the corner of the envelope. Fitting, I thought to myself. Sealed with a kiss and my tears. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t handle this better Kara. You know I tried. You know I wanted to be better for you. I’m so sorry I let you down. I just miss us and knowing that there is no us anymore kills me inside.”

I wrote Kara’s name on the outside of the envelope and placed it next to Alex’s keys. I knew she would make sure Kara got it. I finished packing my bag. I knew where I had to go and it wasn’t anywhere where I would find comfort. I needed distraction. There was only one thing that helped me since Kara returned and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to feel pain. I needed to suffer. I needed to figure out how to live again. I needed to go somewhere where I would learn how to move past all of this and maybe someday I could return. Maybe someday I could look Kara in the eyes again and not feel ashamed for the way I behaved. For now, my _Saudade_ was coming with me, an unwelcome companion on a long journey. 


	6. Down To The Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena begins to find her strength and her confidence again in the most unlikely place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for dealing with the brutal angst. I promise you all this will be a spectacular Supercorp ending. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever written. Keep the faith. Good things are on the horizon. I will never let you guys down. ♥️👊

**“Down To The Bottom”, by Dorothy blasted loudly through the cave. **

**https://open.spotify.com/track/5jddjli3YTIxueb3xFdLaA?si=xwrdl1MuS5CnFxuJZP6FYQ  
**

The taste of blood and the hot searing pain from another blow to her head made Lena feel alive. Lena knelt down on the ground wiping the blood from her mouth. She surveyed her surroundings in her periphery. Movement and then a flash. Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

_Use your other senses Lena. Listen. Listen for her footsteps. Don’t think of Kara. Don’t think of the the pain of missing her. Only think of where your attacker is._

Lena balled up her fist and twisted as she stood, using the power of her legs to power her blow. There was a cracking sound when her fist hit Ana’s chin. She flew back hard and hit the ground. Blood now trickled from Ana’s lip.

“Well done Gatinha, Ana said with a thick and sultry Brazilian accent.” You kept your eyes down perfectly. You didn’t tell me where your mind was or what you were about to do”, Ana said as she sat up and wiped her mouth carelessly with the back of her hand.

Lena walked over to Ana and put a hand out to help her up from the floor. Ana took Lena’s hand and pulled her down hard. Lena’s body hit the rock floor with a resounding thud. Ana pressed her knee to Lena’s lower back and moved her mouth to her ear. She licked her earlobe and sucked it hard.

“Never let your guard down Gatinha. Now you will pay the price.”

Ana’s long brown hair was pulled back into a high pony tail and her chocolate brown eyes were bright and focused on her prey. Ana moved her smooth tan hand to the bottom of Lena’s shirt and slowly began to let her fingers dance playfully over Lena’s bruised skin and muscles. Lena moaned from the mixture of pain and pleasure. Ana moved her knee back and turned Lena over. She leaned down over her and pressed her lips to Lena’s hard. She kissed her long and deep, lapping and sucking at Lena’s mouth hungrily. Ana let her hand travel back under Lena’s shirt, quickly locating Lena’s hard nipples under her bra.

“Enough lessons for today Gatinha. I want you in my bed.”

Lena moaned and growled as Ana moved her mouth to her neck and sucked hard. Ana pressed her knee between Lena’s legs and rubbed against her at regular intervals. Lena grabbed and clawed at her back, pulling her in closer. Ana’s hands searched Lena’s body for satisfaction but she knew she wouldn’t be able to rest until their naked bodies were pressed together in ecstasy.

Ana stood up and put a hand out to Lena. Lena grabbed her hand and pulled her down hard. She landed on top of Lena, shaken with surprise. Lena squeezed Ana’s ass and kissed her with a wild, unbridled yearning.

“Never let your guard down”, Lena said with a wry smile.

Ana moved her hand between Lena’s legs and rubbed Lena until she moaned again.

“Oh you’re going to pay for that”, Ana said with a naughty smile. “I’m going to torture you all night.”

“You’ve been knocking me on my ass all day. Don’t you think that was torture enough?”

“Not even close Gatinha. Not even close. Now get in my bed.”

***

Lena awoke the next morning buck naked and tangled in Ana’s sheets. The curve of her perky buttocks peeking out from the cool Egyptian cotton. She stretched out her limbs and looked down at her exposed body. She was covered in scrapes and bruises. She looked like she had been to war but her injuries were all from sparring with Ana and she loved it. When she and Alex went to the DEO shortly after Kara returned, she realized that pain and exhaustion were her friend. They were the only two things that helped her get her mind off of Kara. She knew she had to travel far away from her and her new love. She knew she had to find a way to cope with the loss of the most amazing woman she had ever met.

Nanda Parbat seemed an unlikely placed for Lena to end up. Once the training grounds of the League of Assasins, Nanda Parbat had become Lena’s refuge from her heartbreak. Alex had mentioned that one of their DEO recruits had travelled to the mountains of Tibet and discovered the abandoned facility. There were rumors that some lost souls had made a home there, training and learning the ways of the assassin. Lena didn’t want to become an assassin but she did want to learn how to protect herself. She knew she couldn’t rely on Kara anymore. Kara’s heart belonged to someone else and Lena found herself in trouble more often than she would like to admit. She wanted to fight and feel the pain of combat because as long as she was feeling pain, she wasn’t feeling the numbness of her dark side. She could feel alive.

When Lena made her trek to Nanda Parbat three months ago she had no idea what she would find. She wondered if the place would be abandoned or overrun with crazy assassins. She only found two other souls. Ana Santos, a stunning Brazilian mercenary and an old Japanese man who only introduced himself as Sato.

When Lena arrived, Ana immediately attacked her but found little threat in her when she could easily best her with one blow. It didn’t take Ana long to decide to take Lena under her wing and into her bed. Lena was relieved to be far from Kara and her budding new romance with Emma. She was also relieved to find someone who would make her feel alive through hand to hand combat and vigorous and limitless lovemaking. Ana was tough and she was definitely domineering but as much as Lena could be a ruthless and demanding leader, she kind of wanted someone to top her. She wanted someone to command her and control her. She needed someone else to do the thinking for her. Ana was exactly what Lena needed.

Lena’s heart still burned for Kara but she had to do something to wipe the image of Kara kissing Emma out of her mind. It was no easy feat. Sato proved helpful on the meditation front. Sato taught Lena to clear her mind of all other thoughts and concentrate on her body and the way it felt. Over the last few weeks, Lena had learned to be aware of every hair on her arm, every goosebump, every bruise, every brush of her clothes against her skin. She was learning to shut down her heart and her brain by thinking of her body as an intricate board made of millions of circuits.

Still, when things were quiet, Lena’s mind drifted to her beautiful blue-eyed hero. Lena spent much of her time trying to meditate and not think of Kara but sometimes it was impossible. When Lena needed to get through the worst pain, she thought of Kara’s voice. When she had to muster all of her strength to go on, she closed her eyes and imagined she was doing it for Kara. When she had to attack Ana and win, she imagined she was defending the woman she loved and lost. In her heart, she would always live and breathe for Kara and she hated herself for it.

She knew in her heart, it was hopeless to forget her but her daily sparring sessions and nightly pleasure with Ana were beginning to make Lena feel like there might be hope for her broken heart.

Lena closed her eyes and dug her face into the pillow. She felt a hand move from her ankle, along the inside of her leg, up her thigh and land between her legs. One touch and she was wet. Ana rubbed at Lena’s core and pressed two fingers deep inside of her instantly. Lena had no idea where Ana had gone but she was awake and already bringing Lena pure ecstasy.

Ana moved on top of Lena and spread her legs wider, slipping her fingers in and out Lena at a steady pace. As Lena began to pant harder, Ana began to press into her faster. Ana pressed her naked skin against Lena’s. Lena buried her face in the pillow and bit down, riding Ana’s fingers and feeling the pleasure wash over her. Ana licked Lena’s neck and slowly bit it, just hard enough to send a shiver through Lena and push her over the edge. Lena cried out and rode Ana’s fingers until she couldn’t take anymore and her body went slack. Ana pulled away from Lena and allowed her to roll over. Lena smiled at Ana who was kneeling on the bed, naked and stunning in the morning light.

“Good Morning Gatinha. How did you sleep?”

Lena was still a little breathless.

“I slept well. I woke up even better. Wow.”

Ana leaned in and kissed Lena on the lips. She moved a hand over Lena’s breasts and rubbed them gently for her own pleasure.

“I brought you coffee.”

Lena grabbed Ana’s arm and pulled her on top of her body.

“Come here beautiful”, Lena said.

“What did we say Gathina?”

“Please mistress, will you please come here?”

Ana moved on top of Lena and kissed her passionately. Her hands moved and pressed into Lena’s skin, searching for all of the spots that made Lena moan.

“That’s better Gathina. Remember who is in charge here.”

“It’s you. It’s always you and I love it.”

Lena wrapped her legs around Ana and pulled her in close.

Ana’s face floated over Lena’s. Ana leaned in and lapped at Lena’s mouth sedictively. Her tongue moved between Lena’s lips slowly and Lena knew what she had to do.

“May I?”, Lena asked Ana with a bright smile.

Ana grinned and rolled over onto her back.

“Claro. Of course Gathina”, Ana said in a low raspy voice.

“I want to taste you”, Lena said moving down on the bed.

She pulled Ana’s tan muscular legs apart and surveyed her companion’s body for a moment. She was far less bruised and her body was so beautiful Lena could barely breathe. Her tan skin was a stark contrast to the pure white sheets. She was stunning.

_She’s still not Kara. Stop it Lena. Kara isn’t yours. She is gone. She is Emma’s. She is Emma’s to kiss. She is Emma’s to make love to. Kara isn’t yours/. Damn you Lena. You have a stunning woman buck naked in front of you and you’re thinking about Kara again. Quit it._

Lena dropped between Ana’s legs and immediately began to lap and suck at her wetness. She flicked Ana’s clit with her tongue and pressed her mouth into her, tasting her excitement. Lena grabbed Ana’s thighs and pulled her closer. She began to press her tongue deep inside Ana. Ana moved a hand to Lena’s head and caressed it as Lena worked. Lena, it turned out was an expert in many things but Ana said this was Lena’s gift. Within a matter of seconds, Ana’s body was stiffening and shaking uncontrollably. No matter how intense the feeling must be, Lena refused to stop. Tasting Ana was one of her greatest pleasures and she selfishly refused to abandon her task until Ana pounded on her shoulder hard.

“Enough! Enough Gathina! You’re killing me. My heart will explode.”

Lena finally moved her mouth away from Ana and sat back on her knees beaming.

“My God. You really are going to kill me one day and not with your subpar fighting skills”, Ana said with a chuckle.

“Hey!”, Lena said offended. She dropped down between Ana’s legs and began to lick her again wildly. Ana bucked and moaned and came again. She pressed her hand into Lena’s shoulder and clawed at her. When she fell back against the pillows once more, she knew she had better not mess with Lena or she really would kill her with a never ending orgasm.

Lena smiled and moved on top of Ana. She rested her head on her Brazilian beauty’s chest. Ana moved her hand to Lena’s ass and caressed one of her cheeks softly.

“Thank you for bringing me coffee”, Lena whispered.

“Thank you for almost killing me Gathina.”

“Why were you awake so early. I’ve been waking you up the last few weeks.”

“There was a sattelite call. Your friend from National City called.”

Lena sat up.

“Which friend?”

“Alex I think. Yes. She said her name was Alex. She asked that you call her back.”

Lena kissed Ana’s chest and got off the bed.

Ana looked disappointed. Lena found a robe and wrapped it around her body loosely.

“Did she say what she needed?”

“No, just to call her as soon as you could.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Lena left Ana to catch her breath in bed while she went to find the sattelite phone.

She picked it up and dialed Alex’s cell from memory. She knew Alex’s number as well as she knew her own.

The phone only rang once and Alex picked up. Lena could tell there was something wrong immediately.

“Hello?”, Alex said with a sniffle.

“Aly, it’s Lena. Are you okay? Ana said you called.”

“I’m sorry. I know you said to call you only if there was an emergency.”

“No Aly. I just said in case of emergency. You can always call me. Are you okay?”

Alex broke down and began to cry.

“No Lena. It’s Kara.”

“What about Kara?”

“She’s sick. Really sick.”

“Supergirl doesn’t get sick.”

“Leviathan got their hands on a weird combination of kryptonite. She was attacked with green, white and red kryptonite. It’s bad. She’s been unconscious and writhing in pain. She keeps calling out for you.”

_Me? Why me? Why not Emma?_

“What do you need?”

“Can you come here? I don’t know if it will help but she needs you. She is begging for you and no one can quiet her down. She just keeps moaning and calling your name. It has not been easy for Emma but even she said I should call you and see if you will come home.”

_Shit. Just when I thought I was healing. Fuck._

“I’ll be home in a couple days if I leave now. I’ll get there as soon as I can Aly. Just hold tight.”

“Thank you Leen. I love you.”

“I love you too Aly. Just hold tight and I will get there as soon as I can.”

Lena ended the call. She turned around and saw a very naked Ana standing in the doorway.

“Is everything okay?”, Ana asked.

Lena tightened her robe and furrowed her brow.

“No. I’m going home. They need me.”


	7. Burn The White Flag

My journey home was even more treacherous than my journey up the mountain to Nanda Parbat. The weather had taken a bad turn and a torrential downpour blanketed the mountain and every road I travelled. There seemed to be a dark cloud hanging over my head wherever I went. I wondered if it was my own heavy heart bringing the darkness. The moment Alex told me about Kara I knew I had to go home. It didn’t matter how she felt about me. It didn’t matter if she was in love with Emma now. I would always protect Kara. I would always defend her. She wasn’t mine but I would never let her suffer if there was something I could do to bring her comfort. Her pain would always be my pain no matter who shared her bed.

I admit, all of my scars opened up and my heart burned at the thought of Kara calling out my name instead of Emma’s. Hope, delirious, ridiculous hope sat on my shoulder, an unwelcome bedfellow during my journey. Did that mean she loved me? Did that mean she loved me more than Emma? Was she yelling at me because I left her, abandoned and broken to be poisoned by an organization I got into bed with? All I knew was the only place on the planet I belonged was by her side, whether she wanted me there or not.

When I walked into the D.E.O., my heart immediately sank at the stillness. The quiet was oppressive. Normally a bustle of activity, the D.E.O. was blanketed by a somber silence that was deafening.

The moment I was walked over to the med bay, Alex, Eliza and Kelly walked out to greet me. Eliza threw her arms around my neck and held on so tight I could barely breathe.

“Thank you so much for coming home. Kara is in so much pain and all she has done since we brought her here is begged for you. Poor Emma has just been sitting there holding her hand while she writhes in agony and calls out your name”.

I grabbed Eliza and held her close.

“Of course I came home. You’re my family and you are all suffering. My place is by your side”, I said with genuine love. “What are you doing to try and combat the kryptonite cocktail?”, I asked pulling back.

Eliza let go of me and stepped back. Alex stepped forward and grabbed onto me with all of her might.

“I’m so glad you’re home Leen. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Aly. Are you okay?”

“I’m terrified. I can’t lose her.”

I moved a hand to Alex’s head and held her close. It still felt weird to me that there was ever a time when we weren’t as close as sisters.

“Aly, she is going to fight this like she always does. I promise you. What kind of treatment are you trying?”

“We have every kind of yellow sun lamp pointing at her and mom synthesized an IV form that seems promising.”

Suddenly, the answer popped into my head.

“Where is Superman?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t called him yet”, Alex said deflated.

“I may be wrong but I think the only thing that will help Kara fully heal will be a large dose of direct exposure to the sun. Superman should get her as close to the sun as possible for as long as possible.“

“That is a brilliant idea”, a soft voice said from the doorway.

Emma stood a few feet behind us, her face gaunt and lifeless. Her eyes bloodshot and wet with tears.

“Thank you so much for coming home”, Emma said with a sad smile.

She walked over to me and greeted me with a warm embrace.

I can’t explain why but my heart hurt for Emma. Kara was in a coma, she was all alone, and Kara’s family seemed to rally more around me than they did around her. Not to mention the fact that Kara was calling for me and not her. No matter how jealous I was of her relationship with Kara, I couldn’t revel in her discomfort or misery. I wrapped my arms around her and caressed her head softly.

I wondered what Kara would say to me. Kara would tell me that my heart was good. She would tell me that I carried a light within me to combat my darkness. Yes, I was jealous of Emma but I also knew that to love Kara, I needed to be kind to Emma. What was the use of being cruel or distant. I genuinely felt for her and I knew she had no one. Kara was sick and we all needed to rally together to bring her back.

All of sudden, we heard a loud cry and a whimper.

“Lena. Lena please. Lena please come back!”, Kara shouted deliriously from her bed. Emma pulled back but continued to hold my hand.

Oddly enough, it didn’t feel as strange as you would think.

“You should go and spend some time with her. Talk to her. She has been calling for you”, Emma said without a hint of jealousy or annoyance.

“Are you sure?”, I asked Emma. “You should be with her.”

“She needs you Lena”, Emma said very matter of fact. “Please, go spend some time with her.”

I nodded my head and squeezed her hand.

“She is going to get through this Emma. She has survived worse and I know in my heart she wants to return and help your family. She is the best person I know.”

“Funny, she said the same thing about you”, Emma said to me with a little smile. “I remember when she first came to us. She said she had to get home to the best person she ever knew. She cares about you so much.”

“Well, she met you and I am sure you are the best person she knows now. I know she cares about you very much. It’s very clear how much you mean to her.”

_What is wrong with me? Why do I want to be nice to this woman?_

Emma gave me a nudge and I walked into the med bay. I heard Emma ask Eliza if she would like to take a walk and get some fresh air. It was clear she wanted to give me some time with Kara. She really did have the kindest heart. I knew Kara was in good hands.

I stood next to Kara’s bed. She looked terribly weak, drained of all of her life force. Her color was wrong and she was groaning in agony. I took her soft cold hand and pulled it close to me, letting it graze my stomach. She called my name again softly.

“Lena...Lena please”, she whispered.

I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

“I’m here my love. I’m here and everything is going to be okay”, I whispered very softly. “You’re going to get through this and break my heart all over again. I would take a million heartbreaks if it meant bringing you back. Please come back to us my heart.”

Kara grabbed onto my hand hard.

“Lena, I love you. I’m sorry. I love you”, she said loudly, her eyes still closed in a comatose state.

I was glad Emma had stepped away. I didn’t want to hurt her. The situation wasn’t fair for anyone involved. Kara’s whimpers and moans broke my heart. They were devastating to me. I wished I had the power of a Super so I could fly her around the sun and heal her but alas, I was only her Luthor.

I leaned over and kissed Kara’s cheek again but I let my lips linger over her skin a little longer.

Kara whispered something so quiet in my ear, I could barely make out the words.

“You have always been my love and you will always be my love. Please don’t hate me”, she whispered weak and breathless.

I put a hand on her chest, closed my eyes and whispered back.

“I love you so much Kara. You are my heart. Please come back to us my hero. Please. We can’t be here without your smile. We can’t exist without your perfect blue eyes staring back at us. I know I ran Kara but there is no running away from my love for you. You love Emma and I respect that but I will never surrender. I will never give up. I will never raise the white flag. I will be good and supportive and take care of everyone the way you would. I will be the best version of myself for you. It’s my gift to you. I will be good. I promise.”

***

I spent a few hours with Kara. I was relieved when she calmed enough to rest. Her groans and whimpers were like knife cuts to my skin, each one leaving an indelible mark on my soul. I wanted to burn Leviathan to the ground for what they did to her.

Alex and J’onn ordered food and we all ate in the conference room together. Emma sat a few chairs away, unsure of her place at the table or in the family. I gave her a sad smile and motioned for her to move next to me. I took the time to talk to Emma and to be kind. Alex, Kelly, Eliza, J’onn, Winn, Brainy and Nia all stared on as I did my best to make Emma feel a little less lonely. They all seemed confused by my behavior. They expected the worst from me. How could I blame them?

It wasn’t until Alex pulled me aside after dinner that I knew exactly what was confusing them so much. Alex grabbed me and and spoke in hushed whispers.

“What’s going on there? Why are you being so nice to Emma? She’s the enemy.”

I loved Alex so much at that moment. She was so protective and loving.

“Aly, she’s completely alone in this world and Kara loves her. What am I supposed to do? Should I be cruel and ignore her? That wouldn’t be fair to Kara and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to Emma. There is very little I can do for Kara. Being kind to Emma and supporting her is how I will show my love to Kara. If she loves Emma, I need to as well.”

“You never cease to amaze me Leen. Just when I think I know how you will react, you always surprise me. Kara and Emma are both very lucky to have you.”

“I’m the lucky one. I am so blessed to be a part of this family. I’m sorry I had to leave. I just needed to go somewhere and clear my head.”

“That reminds me. You are going to have to tell us all about your adventures and explain the black eye and all of the bruises and cuts. You look like you’ve been through hell.”

“Trying to get over Kara was hell. The scrapes and bruises, not so much.”

I promised Alex I would fill her, Kelly and Eliza in on everything that happened at Nanda Parbat as soon as I could. In the meantime, there was work to be done and as much as it pained me to admit, I needed to help Emma anyway I could, for Kara.”

***

We took turns sitting with Kara all night. She continued to call my name when I wasn’t with her but the moment I walked into the room, she calmed at the sound of my voice and my touch. I hated that Emma had to witness this but again, I allowed myself to wonder if Kara’s feelings were bubbling to the surface now that she couldn’t logically justify why she was with Emma. Her heart was speaking for her now.

Superman arrived the following morning and he took Kara high into the sky to orbit the sun and bring his cousin back to her full strength. He took her to the fortress of solitude for a few days to rest and heal. Superman had been exposed to all three forms of kryptonite and he was sure that my solution, along with the powers of the Fortress would bring Kara back.

While they were gone, we all remained at the D.E.O., holding vigil. I filled everyone in on Nanda Parbat, well, I gave them most of the details. I didn’t explain that for punch or kick that Ana landed that she brought me that much pleasure in bed. I did however, explain why I looked like a human bruise and the treacherous journey up and down the mountain.

During the days Kara was away, I talked to Emma. I really talked to her. I told her stories about Kara and I and she told me more about where she came from and the plight of her people. She also talked in more detail about how Kara had come in and breathed new life and new hope into her family and friends. We both agreed Kara was very special.

It was during one of these conversations that I had an epiphany. It was a simple enough discussion. Brainy, Nia, Alex, Emma and I were discussing the various ways we tried to bring Kara home. I realized something pretty spectacular and I just blurted it out.

“Oh my God. I think I just figured out how to get you home”, I said surprised.

“What? How?”, Emma asked excitedly.

“The reason why we couldn’t pinpoint where Kara had gone was because we were missing data. We could pinpoint her through time and space but we needed an anchor point. We needed a fix on the place and her unique DNA. Your essence has travelled from your home, meaning that we can anchor to where you have been and where Kara has been and we might be able to pinpoint the where, especially now that we have both of you to anchor to.”

“I have no idea what you just said but it would be amazing if you could help us get back”, Emma said.

She threw her arms around my neck and my heart sank.

_“Us”. I would be sending them both back there and they might not be able to get back._

Alex remained silent but Brainy seemed intrigued.

“I see what you mean. We have three focal points to concentrate on instead of one. It’s like pinpointing something on a map between three points. Once you have the three points, you can triangulate your fixed point.”

“Exactly”, I said.

Alex didn’t weigh in. She looked a little sad. I knew that it wasn’t ideal helping Kara go back to the place that she had been taken to before. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy on any of us, especially Alex but Kara asked me to find a solution and I couldn’t keep it from her no matter how much I didn’t want her to leave again.

***

When Kara and Superman returned, Kara was back to full strength and she looked more radiant than ever. They walked into the D.E.O. and everyone rushed to Kara’s side to hug her and greet her. I stayed back. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I was frozen. I was back to the startling reality that Kara was with Emma when I saw Emma wrap her arms around Kara and greet her with a passionate kiss. My heart wept. I did my best to smile and be strong. Emma took Kara off to the side and they talked for a while. I wasn’t hurt that Kara didn’t come to me immediately. Of course Emma wanted to spend time with Kara.

Once Kara had hugged everyone and spoke to Emma for a while, she made her way over to me.

**“Green Eyes”, by Joseph**

**https://open.spotify.com/track/1FoCSrNyUVF00C8foohH2G?si=T59LuLW_QFGy9dfngUTqgg**

“Hi Lena”, she said with a bright smile.

“Hi Kara. How are you feeling?”

“Better, thanks to you.”

“That was all Superman.”

“Not according to him. As usual, it was your brilliant mind that saved the day”, she said with the sweetest, most disarming smile.

My heart warmed over. She was smiling at me like she used to. Her eyes were kind and earnest. She exuded warmth and love. What more could I ask for? Emma was her love but I still had Kara’s smile to keep me warm and that was something.

“I’m just glad you’re okay. Welcome back.”

“I should say that to you as well. Where were you? We missed you”, Kara said.

“Just clearing my mind.”

Kara stepped forward and placed a hand on my black eye. She caressed my cheek feather soft.

“Who hurt you?”, Kara asked with a protective tone.

I smiled. I could feel her love.

“It’s not like that. I was learning how to fight. I went to Nanda Parbat.”

“The League of Assassins? Are you an assassin now?”, Kara asked concerned.

I exploded into raucous laughter.

“No. The League abandoned Parbat. I trained with a Brazilian Mercenary.”

“She gave you those bruises?”, Kara asked, still protective.

I grinned.

“Yes, but only because I let her”, I said with a tone that was way more sexual than I intended.

Kara blushed and moved a hand to my head. She smoothed the back of her hand down the length of my hair.

“As long as you’re okay”, she said.

“I’m getting there. One step at a time”, I said honestly.

I looked back and saw everyone staring at us. Emma looked sad. I could see it in her eyes. She was worried. I had no intention of coming between Kara and Emma but I also had no intention of giving up hope. I would do everything I could to be the best version of myself and just let Kara decide. My _saudade_ would not defeat me.

**“White Flag”, by Joseph played in my mind.**

**https://open.spotify.com/track/3nDM1ezsfSuuYaFN4sicp1?si=cGg6E2ZYQrCpkyCt1OAP9Q**


	8. Losing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short, sad, and pure Supercorp angst. Where there is light, there must be dark. There will be light again. Have faith.

Knowing Kara’s smile again was both a blessing and a curse. She let me see that special smile that was meant for only me. She let me feel the love and the warmth we once shared, even if it was only for a split second. She did all of this on the heels of me helping save her life and then suddenly, she was gone again. I heard neither hide nor hair from her for over two weeks.

I tried not to be hurt but it was clear that no matter how thankful she was for my assistance, her feelings for me had changed. When she was forced to interact with me she was kind but that was just it, she had to be forced and that made it feel so much more painful. I knew I should move on.

I had a choice. I could either reach out to her like a pathetic love-sick fool or I could hold my head up high and try to start living again. Of course I knew I should go with the second option but I’m a Luthor so of course I screwed everything up. I sent her a text and received no reply. I tried with all of my might not to be devastated but my heart broke all over again. She wasn’t mine anymore. I looked up at the moon, a tiny sliver smiling back at me and I knew even if she was staring right at it, I wasn’t in her thoughts anymore. I was no longer in her prayers. _Saudade_, it seemed, was still my companion.

I did my best to move on. What else could I do? I went to work every day and tried to pretend that my heart wasn’t plagued with the pain of my loss. I cried in my office and in bathroom stalls. I sobbed on my balcony at L-Corp and my balcony at home. I knew Kara could hear me weep. She didn’t come. The sad thing was that for the first time since Kara returned, I knew what real _Saudade_ felt like. Initially, I could hope and pray. I could try and imagine a time when things would feel normal again. Kara had never outwardly turned me away or abandoned me but now, now that she was no longer speaking to me, what sliver of hope I had was completely lost. I looked up at the moon, the cruel moon I knew we shared, and I wept.

“I just wish I could hate you for this. I wish you were some great villain I could defeat but you aren’t. You’re a wonderful person who walked away. I know you grew tired of me so it was easier just to say goodbye without words. You’re an angel who I lost because I was an idiot. I can’t hate you Kara. I can’t hate you but I can send you and Emma back to her home. I can send you back to help her family and maybe I won’t feel this pain. I can send you somewhere I know you will be happy with your new love. Somewhere where we don’t share the same moon”, I spoke aloud to myself like a madwoman. 

I wept so hard I collapsed onto my couch and slept there all night. I didn’t need whiskey to sleep. I didn’t need anything else but my broken heart. I was exhausted. I was exhausted trying to fight my feelings for Kara. I was tired of this long goodbye. She asked me to stay and then pushed me away. She told me she loved me but they were just words.

_Saudade_, a state of utter hopelessness. _Saudade_, time to say goodbye.


	9. Stay With Me

It was early when I heard a gentle knock at my door. My heart leapt at the sound but then I remembered it couldn’t possibly be Kara. I had to remind myself that Kara had walked away. She cast me aside so she could live her life and be happy. I needed to find a way to make peace with that.

Soft music was still playing from the night before. I got up from the couch but it was a struggle. My body felt wrecked. Self care had been on the back burner since I returned and I was starting to feel the effects. My face burned from crying all night, my stomach was empty and I was dehydrated to the point of sickness. I needed to be kinder to myself. I needed to stop punishing myself for driving Kara away.

I looked through the peephole and my heart sank. I threw open the door and my eyes filled with thankful tears. Ana, my beautiful Brazilian hero stood before me smiling sweetly. She was stunning. She was wearing black jeans and a leather jacket. She had a large duffle bag thrown over her shoulder and she smelled like rain. I loved that smell.

“Olá Gatinha”, Ana said softly. “I’m sorry I’m showing up on your doorstep like this but I missed you the moment you left. I should have asked you to stay with me or I should have insisted on coming with you. There was no reason for me to stay at Nanda Parbat without you.”

My heart swelled. It wasn’t love with Ana. I mean I loved her for helping me. I loved her for kicking my ass and helping me heal but I knew in my heart I wasn’t madly in love with her the way I was with Kara. That didn’t matter now. My soul was crushed and I felt so alone. I felt like I was floating into a dark and vast ocean, cast adrift by Kara. Ana was here to help me get safely back to shore and I realized maybe I didn’t need to be madly in love with her. Maybe I just needed her to wrap her arms around me and make the pain go away. Maybe I just needed her warm heart to beat against mine.

I grabbed Ana’s jacket with both hands and pulled her inside. She was so tall in her combat boots. I missed her strength. I could see her muscles ripple under the tight leather. She dropped her bag and I leapt into her arms. I kissed her hard and deep, searching her mouth with my tongue, pressing and sucking like a wild animal.

She grabbed me and lifted me up effortlessly. I always wondered what it would be like to have Kara hold me this way. I needed to get her out of my my mind. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to Ana’s neck, my face soaked with tears.

I wrapped my legs around her waist, dying to be near her, dying to feel her passion all around me. Ana made me feel. The numbness had returned when Kara ghosted me. My Luthor heart was trying to cope with the pain by going numb. Ana made me feel fire, passion and desire and I wanted to cry being wrapped in her arms.

“Stay With Me”, by Sam Smith played in the background. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/5Nm9ERjJZ5oyfXZTECKmRt?si=dKVlhh6TRiuBs-WYiwWAqw

Ana carried me into the bedroom and laid me down gently on the bed. She moved on top of me and kissed me more tenderly than she had ever kissed me before. I reached a hand up and caressed her cheek. She smiled but her eyes were sad.

“It looks like I got here just in time. What happened to you Gatinha?”

I couldn’t talk about it. I just needed to escape it all.

“Please Ana. Please just help me forget”, I begged her. She leaned down and kissed my cheek firmly.

“Claro Gatinha. Of course. I am here.”

Ana’s hands searched my body. I kissed her neck, each press of my lips drying up another of my tears. Ana ripped my shirt open and kissed my chest. Her hunger was infectious. I clawed at her back and pulled her in closer.

Ana carried me into the bathroom and ran a warm bath with lavender and honey. We slipped into the hot water and suddenly I felt more human. I leaned against Ana’s body, wrapped in her arms, her perfect breasts pressed to my back. She kissed me softly on the lips as she ran a warm soapy cloth over my aching muscles. We didn’t speak. She just cared for me in a way I never would have imagined possible after our violent first encounter.

After our bath, Ana dried my body, kissing every inch she dabbed with the Egyptian cotton bath sheet. She took my hand and guided me back to my bed. She pulled back the covers, exposing the sheets. She motioned for me to lay down. The cool cotton felt heavenly on my overheated skin. Anna climbed onto the bed next to me and pulled me into her arms. She kissed my forehead and smiled sweetly.

“I missed you so much Gatinha. So much.”

***

We made passionate love all night. Ana was lost in her longing and desire. I was lost in my escape. I was running from my love for Kara. I wanted to get lost in the loving touch of my Brazilian goddess.

***

The sun rose high above National City. I laid on top of Ana, our naked bodies cool to the touch and exhausted from a night of passionate lovemaking. I rested my head over Ana’s heart and ran my finger tips over her skin.

Ana took my hand in hers and opened her eyes. She kissed the top of my head and ran a hand along my back softly.

“Will you tell me what has happened to you during these past few weeks? You looked so good when you left Parbat. You were bruised but now you look so gaunt, so weak. What happened to you my heart?”

“I was a fool. I had to come back but I should have left my heart on Parbat. I should have left the day we saved her but I thought there was hope. She broke my heart all over again. I never should have come back but she pulls at my heart like a magnet. I can’t help myself when it comes to her. I just can’t fight it.”

I felt terrible laying in Ana’s loving embrace talking about my hopeless and tragic love for Kara but Ana was kind and supportive. She squeezed me tighter and pulled me up so our lips met perfectly. She kissed me softly and caressed my cheek with the back of her hand.

“I am here my heart. I will help build you back up. I won’t let her break you.”

“Just hold me Ana. As long as I’m in your arms, I won’t feel like I need to weep. As long as I feel your warm embrace, I can sleep.”


	10. Nothing Matters Now You’re Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara’s thoughts are finally heard.

Kara stood at her window and stared up at the moon. One tear welled up in the corner of her eye and fell down her cheek. She felt a crushing heaviness on her heart. Kara longed to see Lena with every fiber of her being.

_I want to see your face Lena. I wish I could hear your voice right now. I miss the feeling of your arms around me. I just miss you so much._

Emma walked up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist. She pulled her close and kissed her neck.

“Hello beautiful. You doing okay?”, Emma gave Kara a little squeeze. “What are you looking at?”

“I’m great. Just looking up at the night sky”, Kara muttered unconvinceingly.

“I haven’t seen you stare at the moon that way since we were on my world. What are you thinking about?”

_Lena._

“I’m just thinking about how much things have changed. Just trying to wrap my head around all of this.”

Kara looked up and continued to stare at the moon.

_I wonder if Lena ever looks at the moon and thinks of me. I wonder if she’s looking at the moon right now. I miss her so much. Please look at the moon Lena._

“Kara, please turn around and look at me.”

Kara turned around and looked at Emma. She smiled but her eyes were sad. There was no fire. They were dark and hollow. Emma moved a hand to her face.

“What is it Kara? What is weighing on you so much?”

“Nothing. I just think it’s time for me to go out as Supergirl again. I need to start helping people again. I’m ready.”

Emma put a hand to Kara’s chest and looked deep into her eyes. She pressed her lips to Kara’s softly and smiled. She pulled back and spoke slowly and methodically.

“You think you should wait a little longer. You think it isn’t the right time. You want to take more time to spend with me. When you look at the moon, you will only think of me and no one else.”

Kara looked at Emma and smiled. There was a sudden and eerie change in her demeanor.

“I think maybe I should wait a little longer. I think it isn’t the right time to go out as Supergirl yet. I should take a little more time to spend with you. When I look at the moon, I think of you”, another tear welled up in her eyes and moved slowly down her cheek.

Emma wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck and kissed her passionately. Kara grabbed Emma and kissed her back but her eyes were dead.

Emma pulled back.

“Actually, you think it is pointless to stare at the moon. You think you should spend your time with me. You think you should be happier now.”

Kara pulled Emma closer.

“I don’t know why I was staring at the moon when I could stare into your beautiful eyes. I’m so happy. I love you Emma.”

The words tasted like blood in her mouth, tinnier than iron and salty like the taste of the tears that continued to fall down her cheeks even as she said she was happy and smiled.

Kara was trapped. Kara was trapped in a prison of mind control and she had no power to fight against Emma.

***

“There’s something wrong with Kara”, Alex said pushing past me. She walked inside my apartment and paced wildly.

“Come in Aly”, I said waving her in after the fact. “Come here and sit down for a second. You need to calm down.”

I grabbed Alex’s hand and guided her to the couch. We sat down and and I wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“There is something seriously wrong with her. We have made plans three times and every time she breaks the plans at the last minute.”

“Do you think maybe she’s just busy? You know Kara. She would never give up the opportunity to see you without a good reason.”

“It’s not Kara. There is something really wrong Leen.”

“Gathina, where are the towels?”, Ana called out from the bathroom.

Alex looked over at me and smiled devilishly.

“Lena Kieran Luthor, did you bring a girl home last night?”

“Not exactly. Give me one minute.”

I got up from the couch and walked over to the bathroom. Ana was poking her head out of the door.

“Sorry Gathina.”, Ana said raspy and low. “I didn’t want to dig around in your things.”

I stepped forward and kissed Ana gently on the lips. Ana opened the door and stood there gloriously naked. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me back with a passionate fervor. I wrapped my arms around her body. Her skin was still moist and she smelled fresh and clean. I pulled back and smiled. She really was a wonderful painkiller.

“The towels are in the cabinet next to the bathtub. Feel free to look through cabinets. I have nothing to hide from you meu remédio.”

“I love it when you call me that. I want to be your medicine. I want to heal your broken heart. Do you want me to help me dry off?”, she asked sexy as hell.

“I wish I could but we have company.”

“I’m sorry Gathina.”

I pulled her closer and kissed her long and deep. I pulled back and caressed her cheek.

“No apologies necessary. Why don’t you get some clothes on and you can come and meet her.”

“Obrigado. Thank you Gatinha.”

Ana closed the door and I returned to Alex’s side.

“Gatinha? What’s that?”

“It means “kitten” in Portuguese.”

“Jesus. That is so freaking adorable. So who’s the lucky lady?”

“Do you remember me telling you about the Brazilian mercenary I met at Nanda Parbat?”

“You mean the one who kicked your ass daily?”

“That’s her. Her name is Ana and she showed up last night.”

“From Nepal?”

“Yeah. She said she missed me.”

“Wow! That’s her? Do I get to meet her?”

Just as Alex spoke, Ana walked out looking like a vision. Her long curly brown hair was wet and she smelled amazing. Her tan skin looked even darker against my white t-shirt and pajama bottoms. Ana brought a bag but she didn’t have anything soft and warm so I gave her some of my things to wear. Everything she owned was black, had bullet holes and most of it was leather.

Alex stood up and grinned. She put a hand out to Ana. I could see Alex thought she was stunning as well. A little blush danced across her cheeks.

“You must be Ana. I’m Alex. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Ana smiled and shook Alex’s hand. Alex noticed the healing scars on her hands. She looked over at me and grinned.

“It is lovely to meet you. Lena spoke very highly of you during our time at Parbat. I don’t want to interrupt you two. Please excuse me.”

“No Ana. You’re not interrupting. Alex was just explaining that there is something wrong with Kara.”

“Your Saudade?”, Ana asked.

Alex looked confused.

“Sim. Esta é a irmã dela”, I said to Ana in Portuguese.

Loosely translated this meant “This is her sister.”I didn’t want to explain to Alex what Saudade meant. I didn’t know if words could convey what it really felt like and I was terribly embarrassed. My broken heart was completely unreasonable.

“I’ll explain later”, I said seeing Alex’s confusion. “I was just telling her that you’re Kara’s sister,”

“You know Portuguese? What the hell did you do up there?”, Alex asked with a genuinely surprised smile.

“Ana handed me my ass and taught me Portuguese”, I said with a grin. “Amongst other things.”

Alex gave me an impressed smile and a wink. Ana walked over to me and kissed my head. It was a warm gesture. I loved how warm Ana was with me even though she was a tough badass. It was sad because she reminded me of Kara in so many ways.

“I will let you two spend some time together. Would you two like some coffee?”

“That would be great. Thank you”, Alex gave Ana a sweet smile.

“Gathina?”

“Yes. Thank you sweetie.”

Ana walked towards the kitchen.

“Come on Aly. Let’s go get some fresh air.”

We made our way out to the balcony. I stared out at the National City skyline.

“Do you really think there is something wrong with her Aly?”

“It’s just weird. We talk and everything seems normal. She is loving and sweet and my Kara. Then when we are supposed to get together she doesn’t show. Last night she didn’t even call me. She just never showed up at the bar.”

“She’s been weird with me but I assumed it was all about protecting Emma. When I came back I had every intention of staying here and fighting but I don’t know. I just think Kara has moved on.”

“How much do we know about this Emma?”

“She seems nice. She has been nothing but kind to me.”

“Me too”, Alex said. “Seems suspicious.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Alex was so paranoid about everything. It was one of the things I loved about her the most. It somehow made her more endearing.

“Only you would think nice was suspicious, Aly. Come on. She seems nice.”

“Kar is different. It’s Emma. I can feel it in my bones.”

“Kara loves another and I need to accept it. I finished the specs for device to get them back to Emma’s home. I’ll send them to Brainy but I can’t do this anymore. They can go back and be happy together.”

“This isn’t like her at all. It isn’t like you to give up this way either. Hey, what does Saudade mean?”

“Nothing.”

“I can use Google translate Leen.”

“It just means she is the one I will always want but never have. She is the thing I have wanted the most in my life and I can’t have her. It means I’m hopeless. She hasn’t spoken to me since the day Clark brought her back from the Fortress of Solitude. She was so warm and loving that day and then nothing. She was gone.”

“I can’t believe she hasn’t talked to you since she returned with Clark. That’s nuts.”

“Kara owes me nothing Alex. She does however owe you an explanation.”

Alex looked over and watched Ana move around the kitchen. She leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“Here I was thinking you were broken hearted and pining for Kara. Jesus, Ana is just plain hot. Even Kelly would agree with me. Damn Lena.”

“Ana is lovely but you know Kara will always have my heart. Always. Ana is helping me try to deal with my heartbreak but Kara is my love. She is my life. I feel gutted.”

“Will you help me find out if there is something else going on? Listen, mom’s birthday is this weekend. Why don’t I suggest we all go to Midvale to celebrate. She won’t back out of that no matter what. We will go and you and I can lay some traps and see if we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her.”

“Traps?”

“We will test Kara and see if we can get her to talk. We need to get her alone and away from Emma. I’m telling you. There is something wrong with her. No one is that nice. I’ll invite J’onn. Maybe he will pick up on something.”

“I doubt Kara wants to be anywhere near me. You lay the traps Alex. I don’t want to cause her more pain. Besides, Ana just got here. I can’t leave her by herself.”

“Please Leen. Mom misses you and I need you. Isn’t that enough? Bring Ana with you. If Kara is really over you then it won’t matter and you’ll have someone. Maybe it won’t hurt so bad if you have someone to hold.”

“Of course it is. I would give the world for you two. I would give you everything I have Aly. Fine. I’ll come for you and your mom. Are you sure about Ana?”

“Absolutely. Kara has Emma. If she still has feelings for you, she will show her cards. I’ll call mom and arrange everything. We will figure this out.”

Alex leaned over and wrapped her arms around me.

“Thanks Leen. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Ana walked over holding three cups of coffee. She smiled sweetly.

Alex looked at me and grinned.

“I’m glad to see that you’re not alone.”

***

**“Now You’re Gone”, by Tom Walker.**

**https://open.spotify.com/track/2oVoSgGAlog02WQ2pLCxcT?si=sTISLUa1SQaNnENAzoq1Vw**

Kara tossed and turned all night. When she did close her eyes, all she found were fitful dreams, jumbled and disconnected. She would dream of Lena confessing her love and then Lena saying she hated her. She would see Emma smiling and then Emma’s face being replaced by a monster. She had flashes of a weird facility, sterile and cold. Kara finally sat up and looked around her darkened apartment.

_Lena paid the rent and kept this place clean every day for a year just so I would have a place to return to. She is so loyal and so loving. I miss her so much. I miss our talks, I miss her voice. I miss the warmth between us. Emma says she is jealous and hates me. She says the reason why Lena won’t call me back or return my text messages is because her love has turned to hate. I just miss her so much. When I look at Emma, I feel pain. I don’t know why. She was always kind to me when we were on the other side, but I just feel a heaviness on my chest all of the time. I feel like pieces of my memory are missing, I feel broken, I just wish I could be with Lena right now._

Kara gently climbed out of bed trying not to wake up Emma. Her heart leapt into her throat when Emma stirred briefly but she rolled over and went back to sleep. Kara paced around the apartment feeling like her skin was on fire. She looked out at the moon and the twinkling lights of the city and she began to quietly sob.

_Why do I feel so trapped?_

Kara grabbed her phone and opened a new text message to Lena. She stared at the blinking cursor and the empty window. She typed each letter slowly and deliberately.

_I...m...i...s...s...y...o...u._

Kara took a deep breath and continued to sob. Her hands were shaking. Kara quickly deleted the letters until nothing was left except the blinking cursor and the empty box.

_What am I doing? I’m with Emma. I should be happy. I feel happy sometimes and then sometimes I feel heartsick. Sometimes I ache and burn. I just miss Lena so much and I don’t know how to fix this. She hates me or at least she is indifferent. I need to just sleep and try and find some peace but how can I sleep? Every time I close my eyes, her face is there staring back at me._

Kara wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

_Why do I feel like nothing matters if I can’t be by your side? Food doesn’t taste as good. The sun doesn’t shine as bright. Nothing I have accomplished or will ever accomplish will matter as much because you aren’t by my side. Every battle I’ve ever won as Supergirl or Kara Danvers has meant more because you were there. Every battle mattered more because I wanted to protect you and make you proud. Now you’re gone and nothing else matters._

Kara picked up her phone again and typed but this time she pressed send before she could chicken out.

_I know I have no right to say this to you Lena but I love you and miss you with all of my heart. I’m sorry I let this distance grow between us. I miss you. Sleep well._

She turned her phone over on the counter and returned to bed. She laid on top of the blankets staring at the ceiling, wishing she was brave enough to fly to Lena’s side but she knew she needed to stay with Emma. She owed her for saving her life and there was nothing that was going to change that.

If only Kara knew the truth. She laid awake, painfully unaware of the truth. She had no idea that none of her memories of the last year were real. She had no idea that she had been trapped in a prison of the mind far longer than anyone ever would have imagined.


	11. Message Of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter to check in on Lena. ;) Happy 400,000 words! Thank you to all of the readers who have stuck with me.

I awoke naked, wrapped in Ana’s arms. She smelled like rain and her body was warm and comforting to me. I watched her sleep on the pillow and wondered what I had done to get so lucky. Ana wasn’t Kara. She wasn’t my great love but she was kind and she protected my heart where Kara had only caused me pain.

Ana was a true paradox. I got the impression that Ana cared about me a great deal but I also didn’t feel the hurt or jealousy coming from her, one would typically expect when they knew the person they cared for was in love with someone else. Instead, Ana felt my pain and longing for Kara and tried to do whatever she could to make my life better. In some ways, I felt like Ana saw me as a problem to solve or a mission to complete but I didn’t care. She was gorgeous and as much as I wanted to believe Alex, I worried that it was me who had created the rift between Kara and I. I worried that Kara would never look at me with love in her eyes ever again.

After Alex left, I spent a decent amount of time trying to talk myself out of going to Midvale for Eliza’s birthday, but how could I not go? Eliza had become like a mother to me during the last year and Alex was right. If there was the smallest chance Kara was in trouble, we had to find a way to help. It was my broken heart and my total lack of self confidence that made me want to give up but my love for Kara would never die. I had to try something.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone. I was shocked to find a text from Kara. It was strange. I didn’t expect it. She had been radio silent for so long and now, I had a tether to my heart. I was almost afraid to open it. I missed her so much I could barely breathe.

I opened the text and re-read it over and over. I laid there in bewildered disbelief, praying I wasn’t still asleep and that my eyes weren’t betraying me.

_I know I have no right to say this to you Lena but I love you and miss you with all of my heart. I’m sorry I let this distance grow between us. I miss you. Sleep well._

I wept immediately when I read the words “I love you”. I can’t explain why but it was like she had my heart in a vice grip since the day she returned with Clark and that text felt like she finally let go and showed me a little bit of love. It was small but I loved her so much when I read it. I shook uncontrollably and sobbed so hard, Ana awoke, immediately startled. She sat up and wrapped an arm around me.

“Gatinha? What’s wrong meu amor?”

I handed my phone to Ana and she read the text.

“Are you okay Gatinha What do you think it means?”

“I have no idea. I can’t tell if she is trying to screw with me or if she still has feelings for me. Why would she text me like this if she didn’t still care unless she is just being cruel. I love her so much Ana. I don’t know what to do”, I broke down and sobbed.

Ana wrapped her arms around me and in typical Ana fashion, she was loving and supportive.

“We will go to Midvale and you will get the answers you need. One way or another, you will find out what you need to know. Everything will be okay.”

I looked at Ana and I felt terrible.

“I’m sorry if this is weird. I know it’s strange that I am crying on your shoulder and you’re here being loving and supportive. I feel like an asshole.”

Ana laughed and smiled brightly.

“I am not looking for anything in particular. I care about you and you’re in pain. That’s it. I know your heart belongs to Kara. You have never made a secret about that. You are not an asshole. You are a wonderful passionate woman who I adore. You can stay in my arms as long as you need to Gatinha.”

I looked up at Ana and realized she was a gift. I wiped my eyes and she reached over and handed me a tissue. She leaned in and kissed my lips softly. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me back down so I was laying on her chest.

“We will figure this out Gatinha. I promise.”

***

My stomach was sick and my heart felt uneasy when we arrived at the Danvers home. Eliza greeted Ana and I warmly and I saw Kara and Emma immediately. Kara looked over but she seemed aloof until she saw Ana. She narrowed her gaze and looked at Ana like she wanted to use her laser vision to bore a hole through her skull. She didn’t seem like the same woman who had sent me that sweet text message but it was nice to know she cared about something. I suppose you can’t be jealous if you don’t feel.

I spent all day looking at the message. It was like my heart broke and was uplifted at the same time. In the end, I wanted to know she still loved me, even if we couldn’t be together but she wouldn’t say the words aloud. Seeing her message hurt me because I felt like the canyon between us had grown wider even though we wanted to be by each other’s side. My heart and my mind were a jumble of emotions. I knew I needed to get her alone somewhere and I was sure that was part of Alex’s grand plan anyway.

We walked inside the living room and I was relieved to see that Alex and Kelly had already arrived. They both walked over and greeted us.

“Kelly, this is Ana. Ana, this is Alex’s girlfriend Kelly”, I said nervously.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Ana. Alex told me all about you”, Kelly said with a slightly suggestive smile.

I had no patience for small talk. I leaned in and whispered to Alex.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“We need to talk to Kara when she is with Emma. Then we need to talk to Kara when she is alone. J’onn is on his way. He should help us determine if there is anything sick in her heart. He scanned Emma the day they came back but he said that he could only sense bleakness which aligned with Emma’s world and her having to leave her family. I don’t buy it. She is still way too nice for my taste.”

Kelly grabbed Ana’s arm.

“Are you okay with all of this?”

Ana smiled sweetly and Kelly blushed a little.

“Absolutely. I would do anything for Lena. Anything. this all feels wrong to me.”

“Me too. You don’t even know her and you can sense she’s not right.”

“Kara sent me a text message”, I said, handing my phone to Alex.

Alex read the message and looked up at Kara who was smiling and talking to Eliza. Alex handed the phone to Kelly and shook her head.

“I don’t get it. So she does love you?”

“I have no idea Aly. I’m lost”, I said trying not to cry.

“Why would she send you this if she didn’t care?”

“I have no clue. All I know is that message gave me hope that her love for me isn’t completely lost.”

“Come on. It’s game time. Let’s see what the hell is going on with my sister”, Alex said.

I took a deep bracing breathe in and interlaced my fingers with Ana’s.

“Let’s go put an end to your Saudade”, Ana said. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and Kara’s eyes turned red for just a moment.

“Wow”, Kelly said. “I think we already have one of our answers.”

“Gatinha, don’t let her kill me, okay?”

Alex, Kelly and I laughed.

“Don’t worry sweetie. You’re safe”, I said not really sure what Kara would do.


	12. Back To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a full re-write of the last chapter of this story. As a writer, I am humbled daily. I am willing to admit when I have failed and when I need to try again. I hope this final chapter does the story justice. Thank you for reading. ♥️
> 
> Summary:  
The truth about Emma is finally exposed. Kara and Lena find their way back to each other.

“Kara, please look at me.”

Kara stared down at the floor. It was clear she was trying to take a moment to process Emma’s startling confession.

“What could you possibly say that would make this right? J’onn said you’ve been manipulating me this entire time. Just tell me it isn’t true.”

“I have, but please let me explain”, Emma said taking Kara’s hand.

Kara jerked her arm away quickly and stepped back a couple feet.

“J’onn, can you make sure she doesn’t try to use her power on me anymore?”

“Of course, Kara”, J’onn said with a sad nod.

“Kara, I’m not going to try and control you anymore. Please just let me explain.”

“Please just let me punch her”, Alex said balling up her fist. Kelly grabbed her arm and pulled her back. She whispered something in her ear and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

Alex seemed to calm a little, but it was clear she was battling the same angry compulsions I was fighting.

Kara put a hand up to Alex. It was a simple gesture, but I could read Kara’s every move now that she was no longer under Emma’s control. She didn’t intend to protect Emma from physical harm. She just wanted Alex to stay calm.

Kara looked up at Emma, her eyes bloodshot red and filled with tears.

“Go on”, she said with low growl.

“When I found you, I was living on a desolate, wasteland of a planet with no means of escape. I was alone, malnourished and living in horrific conditions. At first, I tried to make life for you as hospitable as possible, but it was clear that you were miserable.”

“I don’t remember any of that”, Kara said gritting her teeth.

“You were devastated. All you wanted to do was return home to your family and Lena.”

Emma looked over at me with sad acknowledgement. I wanted to be angry, but all I could feel is relieved that Kara missed me.

“Your control over Kara must have taken a serious amount of power. Who are you?” J’onn asked curiously.

“I have the power to control people’s perceptions and memories, as you know now. My people were called the ‘Barsei’. Civil war, plague and famine extinguished our race. I am the last of my kind. I was dropped on that desolate planet by marauders who thought me too young and too weak to fetch decent coin at the slave market.”

I looked around. It was clear that the occupants of the room remained unconvinced.

“Why don’t I remember anything from that horrible planet, Emma?” Kara demanded angrily.

“I couldn’t change my own perceptions, but I could change yours. It seemed more humane to change your perceptions and memories, to make life easier.”

“What about your village and your family?”

Emma’s eyes filled with tears. I looked over at Alex. She rolled her eyes in disgust. Both Alex and I were unmoved by her display. Emma shook her head and and broke down.

“I know it seems cruel, but I needed to create a place that would bring you peace. When it was clear that you were stuck with me, you were inconsolable. I tried to do everything I could to make you happy. Nothing worked. I was so lonely before you came, I often considered trying to end it all, but my desire to live, thrive and experience more out of this life, kept me going. I never wanted you to feel the desperation I felt. I tried to create a world for you that would bring you some comfort.”

“I don’t understand. It was all so real”, Kara said, her face painted with anguish.

I wanted to destroy Emma for causing Kara so much pain. I didn’t care what her situation was. Kara was suffering and I was filled with a protective rage that I had never experienced before.

“When we arrived here, I had no idea what to do. I know I should have told you everything, but I was terrified that you would hate me. I developed real feelings for you. I know that what I did was wrong, but I was scared to be alone.”

Kara looked at me. The moment our eyes met, I knew Emma’s control was lifted. For the first time in weeks, I saw my Kara.

Emma grabbed Kara’s arm and it was clear that my soulmate had heard enough. She pulled away and walked out the front door without another word.

Before anyone could make a move, Emma ran outside after Kara.

My heart was uneasy. I felt like an emotional intruder in something that was deeply personal for Kara.

“I need a minute”, I whispered to Ana. She gave my hand a squeeze. “Will you be okay if I go grab some air?”

“Of course, Gatinha. Just let me know if you need me.”

I looked outside and saw Kara and Emma still talking on the front lawn. My heart felt heavy. I knew that standing there any longer was pointless. This wasn’t about me and I had to face it.

I walked into the back yard and took in a deep cleansing breath. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Even with the truth exposed, I had no idea where Kara’s head was at. Suffering such a crippling and embarrassing shock couldn’t have been easy. I had to tell myself that this wasn’t about me and probably wouldn’t be for a very long time.

I paced the backyard trying to calm my heart and mind. I knew that the best thing for Kara would be to go inside, express my support and let her deal with the aftermath of the devastating blow without my watchful eyes.

I took a seat on a chaise lounge chair and buried my face in my hands.

“How on Earth did we get here?” Kara asked as she sat down next to me. She let out a sad chuckle and rested a hand on my back.

I popped my head up, pleasantly surprised and a little confused.

“Are you okay? I know that was a lot to take in”, I said, trying desperately to play it cool.

“Do you want the truth?”

“Of course, Kara. You can tell me anything.”

“Today has been one of the weirdest and most emotional days of my life, but I’m feeling better than I expected.”

I was floored. Kara was smiling at me sweetly and her eyes were so bright and beautiful, I almost wept.

“Really? Why?”

“Being under Emma’s control was painful. I would have these moments of lucidity and then blackness would wash over me. In those moments of lucidity, do you know what I thought of?”

I prayed she would say me. Every part of me tensed.

“No. What did you think of?”

“You. I thought about your smile. I thought about the way you have always made me feel. I thought about that conversation outside my apartment when you confessed your feelings to me.”

I tried hard not to smile too much, but I couldn’t help it. My heart fluttered and I beamed.

“I am so sorry I’m smiling...it’s just...”, I started to say before Kara interrupted me.

“I owe you an apology, Lena.”

I turned to Kara and placed a hand on her cheek. She closed her eyes and rubbed her cheek against my palm. I swear, I could have died happy right at that moment. It was the softest and most tender experience we ever shared. My heart leapt with longing to be near her.

“What on earth are you talking about? You don’t need to apologize for anything, Kara.”

“Everything I said, everything I did was colored by Emma’s mind control. Even when she was out of earshot, she had a hold over me that was impossible to break.”

“You said it. You weren’t in control. You never have to apologize to me, especially under these circumstances.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t fight her”, Kara said breaking down. Her head sank into my hand and tears fell down her cheeks.

“What do you mean? J’onn said her power was very strong. I am sure it was horrible if you, the bravest and most loyal person I know, couldn’t break free.”

“But, my love for you...I would do anything, fight any villain, risk injury or death to protect it. Since the moment we met, we have had an unbreakable connection. I have always loved you as a friend, and if I’m being honest with myself...I’ve been in love with you just as long. I would die for you Lena. I would die for us. I am just so sorry that I couldn’t fight her.”

I wrapped my arms around my shaken hero and kissed her head. She shook in my arms, and for the first time since we met, I knew I needed to be her hero.

“Kara, you have nothing to apologize for. I knew in my heart this wasn’t right. I knew that we were meant to be, even if I allowed myself to get discouraged by your repeated refusals.”

I ran a hand over Kara’s head and down her back. I embraced her with love and held her close, doing my best to create a safe place for her like she had always done for me.

Kara raised her head and looked at me with tears still blurring her bright blue eyes.

“I am so in love with you, Lena. Every single bump or hurdle we have gone through, has led me here. I have never stopped loving you. I know things haven’t always been easy, but my love for you is unwavering. I have always had faith in you, supported you, and I promise if you give me a chance, I will love you more every single day of our lives.”

I grabbed both of her cheeks and pressed my forehead to hers. We both closed our eyes and in that moment I knew I would marry her someday. I lifted my head and pressed my lips to hers softly. I let my lips graze hers before I pressed in harder, kissing her deeply and passionately. She grabbed my body and kissed me back with all of the love I so desperately craved. In that moment, I could feel just how much she loved me and my heart was filled with nothing but warmth and contentment.

I pulled back and looked deep into Kara’s eyes. I was filled with so much joy, all I could do was smile and try to hold back my happy tears.

“Give you a chance? Kara, you are my home. You are my happy thought. You aren’t just my best friend or the love of my life. You’re my soulmate. Now, more than ever, I know that you and I were destined to together.” I grabbed her hand and placed it on the left side of my chest. “My heart is yours and that will never change.”

“What about Ana?” Kara asked clenching her jaw.

I placed my hand over her heart and grinned.

“Is it terrible that I think you’re adorable when you’re jealous?”

“I chose to only listen to the ‘I’m adorable’ part of that sentence”, Kara said with a goofy little giggle.

My Kara was finally home.

“Ana is my friend and all she wants for me is to be happy. The only way for me to be happy is to be with you, Kara. She was there for me when I was at my lowest, but she knows that my heart beats for one person, and that person is you.”

Kara grinned and pulled me in for another kiss. She held me so close and kissed me with so much love, I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

I pulled back for a moment and looked at Kara.

“I think the bigger question is what about Emma?”

***

“She belongs in a D.E.O. cell for what she has done!” Alex paced the floor angrily like a tiger waiting for her supper,

“Everyone take a deep breath and calm down”, Kelly said trying to quiet Alex’s rage.

Kara rested a hand on my lower back as she spoke. I knew in my heart that she was telling me no matter what she said, she was mine.

“We are not putting Emma in a cell. Emma doesn’t have any malice in her heart. She never hurt me or anyone else. Well, she hurt all of our hearts, but she was desperate. I am disgusted with the way I was manipulated and kept away from the people I love, but there has to be another solution.”

“Yeah. We send her back to where she came from!”, Alex fumed.

“Please don’t send me back there. I would rather die”, Emma begged through her tears.

“Kara is right, Alex”, J’onn said surprising everyone in the room. I have been connected to Emma for a while now and I sense pain, heartbreak and fear in her heart. I do not sense malevolence or malice.

“Might I make a suggestion?”

Everyone in the room was surprised when Ana spoke up.

“I plan on returning to Nanda Parbat. Why don’t I take Emma with me?”

I was very confused.

“You’re going back?”, I asked Ana genuinely shocked.

Ana walked over to me and Kara. She smiled sweetly.

“Gatinha, when you and I met, you were in pain. Your heart was not whole. Your Saudade is gone and you have finally found your joy again in this beautiful woman. You have found your home in each other and I am so happy for you.”

I could see Kara’s face soften as Ana spoke.

“But you were so lonely at Parbat”, I said deeply concerned.

“I need to go back and find my place in this world and it seems that Emma is in a similar predicament. The truth is, Nanda Parbat is the perfect mix of prison and freedom and I will do my best to take care of her. Emma, would you like to come with me? You will be able to see a whole new world, live, and thrive the way you always wanted to.”

Emma walked over to Ana and gave her a grateful nod.

“Thank you, Ana”, Kara said. “Does that work for you, Alex?”

I was shocked that Kara thanked Ana, but I was happy Kara finally got to see that Ana’s heart was pure and in the right place.

“As long as she is far away from Kara, I don’t care where she is”, Alex grunted.

The moment Kara’s lips touched mine, my anger towards Emma was quieted, but I still loved Alex with all of my heart for wanting to punch Emma.

Ana wrapped an arm around Emma’s shoulder.

“Come on, Pobre Diabo. We should go now before Alex changes her mind.”

Emma turned to Kara, her eyes bloodshot and glassy.

“Kara, I am so sorry. I hope that one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done.”

Kara leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“I’m going to say goodbye to Emma. Why don’t you take a moment and say goodbye to Ana.”

My heart was filled with so much love at that moment. I leaned in and kissed Kara’s cheek.

Kara pulled Emma into a corner and I waved Ana into the other room.

“Ana, I don’t know how to thank you for everything you have done. My heart was in so much pain, and you have been my savior. How could I possibly thank you for taking Emma and giving her a home?”

I wrapped my arms around Ana and hugged her close. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my head.

“Gatinha, the most important thing to me is that you are safe, happy and free of the burden of your heartache. You will always be my friend and I will always want you to be happy. I am so glad that you found a way to finally say goodbye to your Saudade.”

“Thank you, Ana. Thank you for being everything I needed and loving me the way you do. Call me if Emma gets out of hand and I will bring Alex up the mountain to kick her ass.”

Ana chuckled and gave me one more hug.

Kara gave Emma a hug and they walked over to where Ana and I were standing.

“We’d better go”, Ana said to Emma.

Before we knew it, they were both gone.

Standing there in the living room, surrounded by all of the people we loved, Kara took my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

“I feel like I need to say this in front of everyone. Lena, I love you with all of my heart and I always have. It has always felt like there was something keeping us apart, but I realize now, more than ever, that there is no hell that can tear us apart. There is no villain or power in all of the universes that can make me stop loving you. I am so sorry that I allowed myself to be controlled, but I never want to leave your side again.”

At that very moment, something inside me changed. It was like Kara had cracked the glass to my heart, and suddenly I could feel everything. There wasn’t a single hint of my Luthor numbness or darkness left. My eyes welled up with tears and I smiled so much my cheeks ached. I looked around at Eliza, Alex, Kelly and J’onn. They all grinned. They looked just as relieved as we were to see that we had finally made our way back to each other.

I wrapped my arms around Kara’s neck and pressed my cheek to hers.

“Kara, when you were taken away from me, a part of me died. I tried so hard to find joy again, but all I felt was sorrow. I knew, deep in my heart, that there could be no happiness for me without you by my side. When you came home, I felt like I was brought back to life. All of the challenges we have faced, have brought us here to each other’s arms. Some couples take each other for granted. Some people lose track of just how lucky they are to be together. I will never take you for granted. Never. Having you here with me, having your love and affection, this is all I will ever need to live the life of my dreams. I love you so much Kara. Welcome home.”

Kara grabbed my waist and pulled me in for a long, deep, passionate kiss. I have no idea how long we stood there kissing each other, but all of our friends and family just smiled and took the time to appreciate that we finally found our way home to each other’s arms.

When we finally pulled ourselves away from each other, our lips were sore, and our hearts were full. Eliza gathered everyone together for dinner and we celebrated in style. Alex popped open a bottle of champagne and we toasted to the end of a long and crazy dream. I looked over at Kara as we dined, and for a moment I was reminded of the day she came to see me in my office after Jack died. She wrapped her arm around me and told me that she would always be my friend and would always protect me. I wasn’t sure why I was reminded of that moment at first, but then it came to me. That moment we shared in my office, so long ago, was the same moment I realized that I was madly in love with Kara. We had suffered through so much to be together, but in the end, every trial, every struggle, was worth it.

***

_5 May_

_Dear Gatinha,_

_I received your last letter and I am absolutely thrilled to hear the news. You and Kara will make beautiful brides and I have no doubt in my mind that you two will become every couple’s example for how to love completely._

_Things are good here. As you predicted, Emma and I are in love. As you said, two emotionally broken people trapped on Nanda Parbat were destined to find comfort in each other’s arms. She assures me that she has not used her power to manipulate me, but I wouldn’t mind thinking I am on a tropical island every day. We will see how all of that works out._

_Please send my love to Kara and all of your dear friends. Emma sends her love to everyone and still begs daily for your forgiveness. I told her that you forgave her the moment Kara’s lips touched yours. It’s amazing how love can heal all wounds._

_I’m off to train and get my ass kicked by a surprisingly good mind controlling alien opponent. I wonder if she is winning every time or if she really is manipulating what I remember. Oh well!_

_My wishes for your continued joy, love and contentment, Gatinha._

_Your friend always,_

_Ana_

I finished reading the letter to Kara as I rested my head on her chest. She caressed my head and kissed it gently. I closed my eyes and gave her a squeeze with my arms.

“It sounds like Emma and Ana are doing just fine. It’s a bit surreal, but I am glad they got their happy ending”, Kara said with a little smile.

“I’m really glad we found ours as well, my Super. It may have taken a while, but I doubt that any other two people on this planet have ever been so overjoyed to be together at last.”

I looked up into Kara’s eyes and my heart was filled with so much joy, I feared it would burst. I reached up and kissed her lips softly. She pulled me closer and pressed her mouth to mine with passionate fervor. She pulled back suddenly and smiled.

“So, should we talk centerpieces or venues? Do you think J’onn will walk me down the aisle? Maybe Eliza will do it. She is your new best friend. I don’t know how you became so close to Eliza and Alex while I was gone.”

“You were gone for over a year, silly”, I said with a giggle.

As we laid there discussing the plans for our wedding, I continued to listen to my Kara’s steady heartbeat. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. At that moment, I knew what the true opposite of my Saudade was. It was laying, wrapped in Kara’s arms, listening to her heartbeat and knowing that we would never be apart again.

**”Back To You”, by Twin Forks**

**https://open.spotify.com/track/6iB4FVNBjXR9M5nhvSlZde?si=JLXsK5OsS-iE5LRt0G5SCQ**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with this story. I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.


End file.
